The Biology of Falling in Love

I must confess that I have been giving The Husband a rather hard time for a few months. One fine day, his menopausal wife said, "You don't love me anymooooooore!" Then, I proceeded to recount all the things he used to do when we were dating. He did not do them anymore. Therefore, logic dictates that he loved me less than when we were dating.

Right, which menopausal woman out there can relate?

The poor husband was completely befuddled. He had not been doing all those things for our 30 years of marriage, and it did not seem to have bothered me any for 30 years. All of a sudden, I was kicking up a fuss and requesting romance in our marriage. Of a sudden, the poor man found himself coerced into buying me jewels, flowers, expensive hotel stays... plus a whole host of other things. In the past, I eschewed jewels for houses and flowers for stock market shares. Instead of expensive hotel stays, I took pride in AirBnB lodgings. The Husband stared at me wonderingly, "How can anyone change so much overnight?"

My response was, "Good for you! Now, it appears that you have a whole new wife! Isn't that fresh and exciting?"

The Husband really put his back into this romance business. He spared no expense in his effort to be romantic. However, to his greatest dismay, he found that it was not enough! I further complained that all that he did, did not count because he did not WANT to do them. He was compelled to do them by me! I wanted him to do these romantic things not just willingly but spontaneously and enthusiastically!! I wanted him to treat me like a girlfriend again!

At this point, he gave me the mother of all wild-eyed looks! Then, he said, "But, you are NOT my girlfriend! You are my wife!" What he meant was that being a wife is better than being a girlfriend. What I thought was being a girlfriend was better than being a wife. So, for that one comment, he was banished to the couch, and I retired to bed with a box of tissue paper.

We finally found our resolution in the research of Dr. Helen Fisher.

Fisher has famously identified three neural systems that controls human mating:

— a sex drive that is testosterone-based in males and females,
— a dopamine-fueled network that focuses attention on one person and creates the feeling of exclusive romantic love,
— and an oxytocin- and vasopressin-led circuit that fosters feelings of deep attachment and the development of a bond that can last at least long enough to raise a child through infancy.

The three hormonal systems, and the emotions they cause, don’t always work in co-ordination “You can be in bed at night and
(1) feel deep attachment to one person,
(2) swing into feelings of wild infatuation for somebody else, and
(3) then feel sexually attracted to someone you hardly know,”
... says Dr. Helen Fisher.

Petunia does not do anything in half measures. In my tiny little menopausing head, my marriage was not good unless we had all 3 for one another. So, I took the research and shared it with The Husband, stating that we should work towards having all 3.

Then, I said, "Since these emotions are controlled by hormones, I shall go and see what herbs to use to help us along."

At this point, The Husband said, "It is bad enough that I am married to a psychologist who specialises in human motivation. I am not even sure which things I do because I want to or which are things YOU psycho-engineer me into WANTING to! After all, if you can make my son WANT to study, you can make anyone WANT anything! Now, you are gonna FEED me herbs to manage our marriage?! There are 3 types of women one should never marry: (1) journalist (2) lawyer (3) psychologist. I think the psychologist is the worst! I am married to a Psychologist-cum-HerbalistWannaBe!"

He stopped short of saying, "Woe is me," but I know he was thinking it. Then, he said, "We have great things going on in this marriage. We have gone through so much together. You are my closest buddy. Why can't you be thankful for what we already have?"

Finally, I came to the realisation that it just was not possible for the human body to be flooded with so many hormones (testosterone, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin) all at once. Human emotions needed to be experienced one at a time so that each could be savoured fully.

Petunia had to prioritise the 3 neural systems.
(a) testosterone drives lust
(b) dopamine drives romance
(c) oxytocin and vasopressin drive a deep connection and attachment.

And then I understood why The Husband would think that being a wife is better than being a girlfriend. In his view, the Wife is in neural system (c). She is the one he cannot live without and will never tire of. She is the one that weaves beauty throughout his life using the deepest roots of his heart.

I feel privileged to be the woman who weaves beauty throughout The Husband's life, using the deepest roots of his heart. Unfortunately, I am still a Psychologist-cum-HerbalistWannaBe. So, I am still gonna play around with The Husband's dopamine and testosterone levels, just not both at the same time! Hahahahahahahahahaha!