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Monday, November 19, 2018

Word Bouquets 2018

Here are our Word Bouquets for the Year 2018. 

This is a mainstream child.

This is a gifted child.

This is a mainstream child.

This is a mainstream child.

This is a mainstream child.

Parent Coaching Client 1.

Parent Coaching Client 2.

Parent Coaching Client 3.

Parent Coaching Client 4.

Parent Coaching Client 5.

Parent Coaching Client 6.

Parent Coaching 7.

Parent Coaching 8.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Game of Thrones Fashion

Woollen sweaters are costly. I mean, 100% woollens are costly. So, I decided to learn to knit. I set about my task with much enthusiasm and determination. By hook and by crook, I was going to make sweaters for my whole family.

I ordered the thickest wool yarn I could find. It was called the Crazy Sexy Wool. With a name like that, I truly believed anything that I made would be sexy. I chose thick black wool yarn for my 2 males. What can be more manly than a thick black sweater, right? Besides, everything goes with black. For years already, black has been the perennial sexy. 

I chose light brown yarn for The Daughter.

I made a normal sweater with long sleeves for The Son. He obligingly tried it on and mumbled something about hairy black gorilla. I ignored him because I was excited to get started on The Husband's sweater. Since I had run out of yarn, The Husband's sweater was a vest. It had no sleeves.

Once done, I texted him a loving message. You know, "Hello darling! See this beautiful charcoal black sweater that I made for you? I can't wait to have you wear it during the winter holidays!"

The Husband tried it on wordlessly. He smiled gently at me and then went off to bathe. A few hours later, he held me in his arms and said, "Hmmmmm... the sweater... I will wear it lah... but only at home ok? I will not wear it out of the house."

Of course, I wanted to know why. So, I probed and dug and interrogated and put him under torture. It turns out that I am married to a new age sensitive man who found the thick black wool sweater rather uncouth. His sweaters are all in fine wool yarn with pretty braids.

Me: Yes, but I dunno how to knit pretty braids!

Hub: I know. I know. You did a great job so I will wear it indoors at home.

Me: What is wrong with wearing it out? It will keep you very warm. I bought the THICKEST and the BEST 100% pure wool. It is also black. It matches everything you have.

Hub: We will be going to Italy. The best fashions come from there. That is the country that gave us the Renaissance and set the stage for every European refinement that we know today. I cannot wear that onto the streets of Italy.

Me: Why? It will keep you warm. It will be cold. You will be glad to have a warm sweater to protect you. You are old already and need to keep warm.

Hub: But... I will look like a medieval knight out of his armour!

At this point, The Daughter was giggling non-stop. In between chortles, she added her own 2 cents worth, "No... it looks worse than that! It looks like something you would throw upon a medieval peasant as you herd him onto a cart to transport him to prison."

Happily, 2 people think the sweaters are lovely. They were very happy when I gave the sweaters away to them! I shall let my family shiver this winter!

Friday, October 19, 2018


Fresh echinacea flowers.

Fresh echinacea flowers in a cup.

Shredded echinacea flowers in a thermal pot.

Astragalus from the TCM Hall.

Fully organic, non-pesticidal fresh and dried echinacea flowers are good to have in the freezer to stave off flus. It is important to take echinacea at the very start of the flu (like literally at the FIRST sneeze). Once the flu has settled in, it is not quite as effective. When the flu has not quite settled in, echinacea gets rid of it before it even properly starts.

Echinacea does so by triggering the immune response BEFORE the numbers of the virus get too large. When there are fewer numbers of viruses, it is easier for the body to kill the infection. See HERE.

For echinacea to work, you need to have healthy levels of white blood cells. If your white blood cell count is low to begin with, no amount of early triggering of the immune response will help. To ensure healthy levels of white blood cells, my family takes astragalus once a week. See HERE.

Echinacea works only for flu viruses, not bacterial infections.

(1) Shred the flower completely with a kitchen scissors.
(2) Place at the bottom of a thermos flask.
(3) Pour 250ml of hot, boiling water.
(4) Leave in thermos flask for an hour.
(5) Pour out to cool before drinking.
(6) Top up the flask with hot boiling water again.
(7) Repeat steps 1 to 6.

Nota Bene
(a) Echinacea comes out in pee. It is cleared quickly from the system. Instead of drinking the whole mug at one go, divide into quarters and take 1 quarter every 15 minutes.
(b) After 4 steeps, ensure that you chew up the flower. If you can swallow, do so. Else, chew and spit out the pulp.
(c) GNC sells echinacea in capsules. They are useless. That is why I grow my own.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Pant Paradise

Chong Pang Market has a stall that sells bottoms of every sort. The prices are amazing. 1 pair of flared pants in light cotton retails at $10. 1 pair of jeans retails at $16. There is a whole variety of tights and shorts and bermudas too.

Best find of the year!

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Growing Dou Miao With Water

Homegrown dou miao is a treat. I have been growing dou miao for about 4 months and the excitement of harvesting and eating the dou miao does not ebb. Here is how:

(1) Purchase from Giant, the above sieve + container set. 

(2) Pour the maple peas into the sieve. Fill the sieve till the maple peas cover half the base of the sieve in a single layer (i.e., none of the maple peas sit on top of each other).

(3) Fill the sieve + container with water till the maple peas are all submerged under water.

(4) Soak for 24 hrs.

(5) Drain the water at the end of 24 hrs. Fill the sieve + container with fresh water. Do not submerge the maple peas. Instead just make sure that the water forms only a thin film of water at the bottom of the sieve (when the sieve is inserted into the container).

(6) Leave on a window sill with bright light or a few hours of sun.

(7) Change water daily.

(8) Inspect the bottom of the tray daily to see if roots have grown through the holes in the sieve. Once you observe this, then ensure that the water level stays below the sieve. The dou miao can drink through their roots.

(9) At this stage, if the maple peas stay in contact with water, they will start to rot. So, it is important to ensure that the water level only reaches the roots.

(10) Change water daily.

(11) Cut 1 inch above the pea after the dou miao reaches 3 inches tall.

(12) It can be harvested up to 3 times per batch.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Clash of Civilisations

This is a Mother-in-law post.

A Woman With Male Chauvinist Beliefs
I have known my mother-in-law for 30 years. Until now, I see the trees but not the forest. I address problems but have never taken a helicopter view to sum up the macro level dynamics that lead to micro level clashes between us. I see reason to blog about this because it might actually help other women in my situation.

Grandma is a woman of her times. She is a woman with male chauvinist beliefs. Women are worth less than men. Her own daughter was neglected in favour of her son, my husband. When I gave my daughter into her care, my daughter developed emotional issues arising from Grandma's very obvious favouring of my son. These emotional issues underpinned The Daughter's poor academic results. Back then, my poor daughter scored in the bottom 25% of her cohort until I stepped in to resolve these issues, whereupon she went straight to the top in cohort.

Feudal Notions of the Matriarch VS Daughter-in-Law Relationship
In line with these subconscious beliefs, Grandma's mental model of a daughter-in-law was one that made sense only in feudal China. Grandma's view of a MIL was one of an all powerful matriarch who could order the daughters-in-law about, and freely dispose of all said daughters-in-law's possessions (including dowry and children). This probably made sense in an era where the matriarch of a wealthy family controlled all family resources. In those days, daughters-in-law were illiterate and the only way to prove their worth was to render service to their MIL, and thereby gain favour.

30 years ago, I did not understand this.

I simply found it puzzling that Grandma would go into my room, take one piece of my jewelry and then lend it to her sister without even asking me first. It was NOT jewelry that her son gave to me. It was a piece that I received from my own family. From Grandma's perspective, everything that belongs to her son (including his wife and all his wife's belongings) is hers.

I never understood why Grandma insisted on having her own bedroom in my HDB flat when her own 5 room HDB flat was within shouting and gesturing distance across the HDB carpark. Since she insisted, I gave her own bedroom. That was the biggest mistake of my life. Ensconced in her bedroom, she proceeded to take over my home entirely. She said that she disliked the way I had disposed the furniture and moved it around to suit her tastes. She did not like the spot where I had placed my kitchen condiments, and also moved those. She told me that my brands of soya sauce were not good, and proceeded to replace those too. If I told the helper to fry kang kong, she would go into the kitchen and tell the helper to fry bayam, not kang kong.

I felt like a guest in the apartment that I owned. I had no say in the home whether it pertained to my children or my furniture.

Since I was working full time, I mostly gritted my teeth and suffered in silence, except for the few instances where I thought she had really gone too far. When she proposed to mediate a quarrel between my husband and me, I told her bluntly that we were quite capable of conducting our marriage without her help.

To me, I was asserting my rights. However, from her world view, in the few cases where I did lay down the boundaries, I had impinged upon her rights as the matriarch of the family. What little I did to protect my rights, she experienced as a violation of hers.

Save My Family
Then, my children started to show dysfunctional behaviours. Little Boy only had eyes for Grandma. Grandma possessed him entirely, body, heart and soul. Little Boy hated his sister and absolutely detested his Father. The Daughter was in the bottom 25% of the cohort and was convinced that she was not loved. I came home from work to a whining daughter, a helper who complained about MIL and a MIL who complained about my daughter and the helper. Only my son could do no wrong. I looked into our joint future and I saw a loser daughter, a spoilt son and contentious relationships all around.

No way!

I tried to manage by working more from home. It was futile. My household and my little family were in a mess, even as I strove to please everyone and do the right thing...
- Convince The Daughter that she was loved.
- Repair the relationships Little Boy had with his father and his sister.
- Allow Grandma to occupy space in our little family unit to the exclusion of me.
- Discipline Little Boy (because The Husband held me responsible for how spoilt his son was)

The dysfunctional relationships had gained momentum. Grandma did not understand what I was trying to do and acted in ways that undermined my efforts. To reverse the momentum successfully, I needed her out of the way.

I prayed very hard. God sent our little family to the USA, where I had 12 months to do the emotional labour I needed to do, to root out the dysfunctions in my little family. Once I had repaired all our relationships, we came back as a united family and then Grandma found that it was hard to monopolise Little Boy's affections. The Daughter also knew that I was her rock. It took 2 more years to get Little Boy to like his father but I had already laid a good foundation which was relatively easy to build on.

Maintaining Boundaries
However, I became wary of MIL. I feared that if she continued to intrude into our lives, she would undo all that I had done. So, I took back the bedroom I had given her, explaining that I needed a personal study room. She would still come over every day but there was a limit to her intrusion because she had to go home to sleep.

Then, we moved into a penthouse duplex. She vigorously demanded a room in our house. In order to avoid an all out quarrel, both The Husband and I listened silently BUT did nothing. MIL cried real tears because she felt that her rights as a matriarch were being seriously violated. She was a matriarch without a place in my home, and thus, she was no longer in a legitimate position to control my little family. She was as if bereft. Me, I was puzzled at her emotional response. I did not understand why she absolutely needed a bedroom in my house, when she owned a 5 room flat 5 bus stops down the road. It was really puzzling.

It did not stop her from trying to assert her rights as matriarch. At first, she came over daily and would tell me that my toilets were dirty and needed washing, my pineapple tarts should go into the fridge. One day, I bluntly told her that she should govern her own home 5 bus stops down the road, and leave my home to me to manage. Privately, I thought to myself, "I have a Masters degree. Surely, I can be trusted to decide when to wash my toilets." Again, she was as if bereft. I had impinged on her rights as matriarch of the family, deserving of obedience and blind respect even in the smallest things.

Over time, she came over less often (3 times a week). She complained that it was because she did not feel at home in my home. Privately, I thought to myself, "Thank goodness for that! If you feel at home in my home, I know I will again feel like guest in my home."

Moving In Together Again
Then, we moved into a semi-detached home. By then, MIL was getting on in years. She really wanted to live in the same house as us. On the ground floor, there was space to build her a mini apartment of 1000 sq ft with her own kitchen, living room and bedroom. To get from her apartment to my home, you have to go outside. I made it very clear to her that she should leave me to manage my side of the house without her interference. Else, I was prepared to move out of a landed home and into a condo. She would then have to move back to her own HDB 5 room flat.

This worked for 5 years. However, we had still not addressed her world view. She still feels wronged. Lately, she has started complaining again that this is her son's house, and she should be allowed to do what she wishes where she wishes. She should be allowed to manage the helper as she sees fit. She should have free access into even my bedroom when she wishes. When I left the house, she would come over and tour our bedrooms, telling the helper that this is her son's house and therefore hers. She commented that perhaps I would be more compliant if she had more money, which made no sense to me.

My reaction was violent. I had a major meltdown and actually suffered 2 hormone crashes. I crudely told my husband, "Perhaps we should invite her to watch us have sex in the bedroom she claims belongs to her, by dint of it belonging to you."

The thought of having her dictate my every decision and action was no longer tolerable. I had experienced it for long years and had developed a psychological allergy to it. My reaction escalated into 2 panic attacks and 4 days in bed. No no no! I will not be chattel again! Why should I be chattel? I have a bloody PhD!

I had thought that I was being a good daughter-in-law to let her have her own self-sufficient apartment in my house. I thought I was being a good daughter-in-law to make her kefir every day and almond milk every now and then. I give her home grown veggies regularly. I do hospital duty. Over the years, I have gifted her with diamonds, opals, ovens, vacuum cleaners, spray mops and air purifiers. In my will, it is specified that should I die before her, this house cannot be sold until she passes on. Living in my house means that she has income of $2000 a month from renting out her HDB flat.

Yet, she still thinks she is badly treated.

Now, I realise that it is a lost cause. Only total ownership of me and mine will satisfy her. To satisfy her, I must be prepared to take on the position of chattel. I will never do that. Why should I?

She is not a bad person. She is simply a woman with values from a bygone era - where women had no rights and no wealth, except what they had through their son. Think about the Empress Dowagers of China. They held power insofar as their sons had power. MIL claimed rights and power through her son, my husband. For a better idea of how this translates into practice, click HERE.

If I were illiterate and non-wealth generating, I suppose that I would HAVE TO be compliant and have no sense of me and mine. This is the position that many domestic helpers and foreign workers are found in. Employers impinge on workers' basic human rights all the time. For those who treat their helpers like less than human, think on the fact that not 50 years ago, many daughters-in-law were in the same position.  There is no way either of us can come to an amicable solution because to uphold her rights, is to deny me mine. To uphold my rights, is to deny her hers.

I wish I had had this moment of epiphany years ago. I would have saved myself so much heartache from trying and not getting appreciated. Henceforth, I know there is no pleasing her. I am not able to give her what she considers rightfully hers, without denying myself what is rightfully mine. I will do what I can and not expect any appreciation at all.

It is not my fault. It is not her fault. It is a clash of civilisations.

I am very grateful that in my country, women have rights as men do. I am aware that there are still places on this earth where women have no rights at all. I am also grateful that my husband finally understands how much aggravation I have borne in 3 decades. He understands chiefly because he now has a high achieving daughter starting her journey through life, and he does not want his daughter to go through what I went through.

Finally, my husband is prepared to defend my rights.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Garden Veggies Are Not Free

Let me ask you. Would you go to your relatives' or neighbours' fridge and help yourself to their fresh vegetables, smiling and saying, "It's just for me. One person. I don't eat much." Would you also go rummage about in their NTUC grocery bags and take some fresh tomatoes and a few pears, saying, "They're just laying there. Spare me some."

Would you?

I doubt anyone would. However, people do think that it is ok to help themselves to the vegetables in my garden. A neighbour I hardly know, passed by, and said, "When I pass by, I will snip those long beans hanging on the outside of your fence. She was not asking me. She was telling me. Relatives snip and take smiling and saying, "It's just for me. One person. I don't eat much." Friends look upon my tomatoes and say, "Pass me some!"

You know what, I prefer to go and buy vegetables for you than give you from my garden. It is difficult nowadays to get truly organic produce that is pesticide free. The "organic" labels cannot be trusted. So, the little vegetables that I produce for my family are precious. It is also precisely because mine are fully organic and pesticide free veggies that they stimulate veggie lust from relatives and friends. Everyone recognises the value of such veggies in today's chemically toxic world.

What they do NOT know is how expensive it is to produce these veggies. I spent more than $4000 on benches and trellises and close to $1000 on soil alone. These are only the sunk costs. What about the running costs? Organic fertilisers do not come cheap, and I buy them in bags of $25kg. Then, there is the TIME invested in inspecting the garden every morning to hand pick insects that would otherwise devour the veggies and herbs. How else do you think I can raise vegetables without pesticides? One physically pores through the leaves and removes the bugs by hand. It takes about 30 minutes to apply fertiliser and one needs to water daily too! It takes effort to make compost and vermicompost to feed the plants.

People assume that if the veggie is growing under the sun and in soil, that it must be cheap and free. It isn't. Home grown veggies are expensive to produce, in money, time and effort.

I regularly give away my surplus. To relatives, I sometimes give even though it means I need to go buy supermarket veggies to top up for my family. The irony is that it is because I give generously that people start to take me for granted... and then, they go through my garden and cut what they want.

The Husband is convinced that the witches of old are nothing more than highly intelligent women who knew herbs and could grow plants. The ability to make plants thrive and use them for medicine must seem like magic to some. The Husband believes that back in the day, I would qualify as a Good Witch because I know how to make children behave, heal my family with herbs and cast a spell on my garden so that leaves grow green and lush.

What readily comes to mind is the story of Rapunzel. Here is my take on that story. When Rapunzel's mother (let's call her Thief 1) was pregnant with her, she glimpsed the lush vegetables in a witch's garden. She really really wanted to eat those vegetables. To satisfy his wife's yearning, Rapunzel's father (let's call him Thief 2) climbed over the high wall and stole 3 NTUC bags worth of greens and root vegetables. He did this DAILY.

Every morning, the witch walked her garden and she saw bare patches here and there where vegetables should have been. Daily, there were more and more bare patches. The witch was broken hearted. She mourned the loss of her priceless veggies. She resolved to catch the thief. She did catch the thief, and to the Witch's mind, priceless must exchange for priceless and in return for her priceless veggies, she exacted from Rapunzel's Father an equivalent price - his unborn baby.

Now, tell me. How is it that the witch went down in history as the bad guy in the story? That is so unfair! If I had acres of veggies, I don't mind, but my garden is small. It is barely enough for us. Now, if you will excuse me, it is time to teach a certain relative some kindergarten manners. Don't worry. I will not be asking for a baby.