It is not surprising that most people cannot tell that I am autistic. In fact, I did not suspect I was autistic myself, until I discovered that I had an immense chemistry with certain GEP kids whom no one liked.
Getting myself diagnosed as autistic was the very best thing that happened to me for years. It explained so many things. I actually thought that I was a bad, selfish, inconsiderate, arrogant and sometimes, even evil person.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not be good. For years, I thought that it was a miracle that The Husband picked me to marry. I thought I was so flawed.
For years, I looked forward to Little Boy completing his IB exams, so that I could let go entirely of life. Rather than live a life in futile pursuit of the person I could never become, but wanted to be, I wanted to simply fade into the night. I stayed alive so that my children could become what I would never be. Once they had become that, I had no reason more to exist. I could live on through them.
With the advent of Facebook, it was possible to reach out to autistic adult communities to find my tribe, and feel less alone. I cannot tell you how comforting it was to find the above meme on my Facebook feed. It shows me that I am not alone. Out there, there are many women like me...
(a) wife,
(b) mother,
(c) university-educated,
(d) non-conventionally employed,
(e) highly empathetic,
(f) can be socially graceful when I have learnt the formula or figured out the specific equation for that set of social circumstances,
(g) high anxiety in almost all social circumstances (but I hide it very very well),
(h) forces eye contact (I also do this very well when I am not tired),
(i) good at social masking. (g) and (h) are social masking.
Face and body language are so intuitive to neurotypical people that it is hard to get them to understand that my friendship is NOT in my smile, nor my eyes. I have learnt to smile and to force eye contact because these mean something to YOU. My friendship and my regard, is seen in my actions. People think that just because I don't look at them nor smile at them, I don't like them. My look and my smile simply tells you that I am not too tired that day, to social mask. This alone causes a lot of hiccups in my interactions with neurotypical people.
No wonder most people don't like me.
Social status is so intuitive to neurotypical people that it is hard to get them to understand that my respect is given to those who think clearly, logically and creatively. My respect is also given to people who do things properly. It really means nothing to me if you are a Minister or not, rich or poor, well-dressed or not. There is an Indian worker who upgraded the drains outside my home and built covers for them. I greet him every morning because I respect the pride he takes in his work. I adore my braised pork boys because they do their braised duck/pork properly and think creatively. This also causes problems when a person believes he/she has high social status but I don't respond accordingly.
No wonder most people don't like me.
The adult autistic communities also taught me that so many of the things that I experience, they experience too:
- gluten intolerance (or celiac disease)
- childhood bedwetting
- suicidal thoughts
- shutdowns (when I become non-responsive)
- meltdowns (when I bite people and break things)
- physical clumsiness
- inability to process auditory stimuli
- sensitivity to smell and noise
- dislike of hard and tight clothes, in fact... the fewer and the softer the clothes, the better
- wear the same clothes every day
- getting distressed from hearing aggressive voices (even in funny videos that only fake aggression)
- being insensitively logical.
The adult autistic communities also taught me to be proud of:
- pattern finding ability (very useful when investing, in teaching and in psychology)
- hyperfocus (mine are in medicinal herbs, psychology and glowing stones)
- showing love through action (not smiles and looks)
- being honest with those I love
- being sincere with those I love
- being high in affective empathy.
No wonder my family adores me, even if the rest of the world dislikes me or finds me weird/odd. In fact, a friend said to me that I have closer and stronger relationships with my children and husband because I have no EQ to hide nor be indirect about difficult issues. Most people use their EQ to hide what is truly what they think from even those closest to them.
I don't know how to be a lovely bouquet of flowers. I guess I am just a durian.
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