The moment their children hit Sec 1, the process of individuation began. Parents were so used to telling their children what to do that they knew of no other way to interact with their children. They had problems letting go.
There were also parents who did let go. However, their children suddenly had no one telling them what to do. Hence, they had no idea how to spend their time productively. They frittered away their time with their newfound freedom. Sec 1 passed by in a blur of parent-child conflicts.
A lot of time and energy was spent fighting. These parent-child conflicts continued into well Sec 3. In some families, these fights continued into JC1 and JC2, distracting the child from performing in school, not just academically, but in extra-curricular portfolio activities as well.
Since everyone else was busy fighting with their parents, it was easy for both my son and my daughter to pull ahead of their peers from Sec 1 to Sec 3. By the end of Sec 3, both my kids had achieved so much (without tuition) that both could maintain their lead, finishing as top students at the end of JC2. The Daughter scored 8 A level distinctions, was a medalled gymnast, published research papers at international conferences. Amongst other achievements, the Son represented SUTD (whilst only 16 yrs) at a university level robotics competition where other participants were 3rd year students from MIT, Tokyo Tech, Tsinghua etc... He scored 44 points at IB.
I paid $0 to help them achieve in secondary school. I completely stopped monitoring their school activities. If they said to sign a form, I signed. Once, The Son dragged me to the only PTM that I ever attended when he was in secondary school with instructions as follows: "Mom, you are not going there to find out how I am doing in school. You are going there to talk me up in front of Mrs. Lee so that she will write me a glowing testimonial."
Maturity
Given complete freedom, my children filled their days with a whole smorgasbord of exciting opportunities. They were mature enough to know what to do with freedom.
One December, I got upset with The Son because he had lined up 5 CCAs' worth of commitment in the coming year, and he needed all of December holidays to pre-do his Math HW for the next 6 months. When the school year started, he just pulled out a pre-done worksheet every week and submitted it. I was very upset because I wanted to go on holiday and he would not!
Leadership
Best of all, both my children became leaders by Sec 1. They enacted true leadership ability because I spent time daily with both coaching them on people skills. In secondary school, peers elect leaders. My children were always elected because they had true influence.
Most parents think that being a prefect in primary school is good leadership development. I did not think so. Guarding staircase entrances and giving orders by the formal authority vested in a prefect, was NOT true leadership skill. I wanted my children to be able to influence and lead even when they were not given FORMAL authority. So, from P4 to P6, I made time to teach them people skills.
By the time they entered Sec 1, I was already briefing them on how to talent spot and how to recruit talent into their project teams (because in IP, marks are allocated to project work).
Other People's Children
Since I had completely let go of my own children, I had free time to start my enrichment centre. Over the past 8 years, I have been training the maturity and leadership ability of other people's children. See below the testimonials.
The above child was not even one of my strongest students. She ended up in
a neighbourhood secondary school where she emerged as a strong leader.
This was a very academically strong student. She scored 260+ at PSLE.
On hindsight, it seems like I am some super woman mother endowed with rare wisdom. In reality, what I did was God-driven. For 20 years, my guiding light was this verse from the bible...
8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” (Matthew 4:8-9)
It felt to me that the chase for the ever higher t-score at PSLE looked a lot like lusting after all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. Something inside me wanted no part of it. I wanted to mould my children into godly people who were not blinded by prestige nor the trappings of wealth. I did not want them to work hard so that they would one day be rich and powerful. I did not want them to get into an elite school so that they would one day own and control the world.
Instead, I wanted them to be like Jesus, to grow in stature and in favour with God and man (Luke 2:52).
To that end, giving them a headstart on soft skills and maturity was not negotiable. I willingly and consciously took time away from academic work to accomplish this. I did this in obedience to God's word. It was only much later that I realised that God has blessed my children with "all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor", anyway.
The Daughter received an excellent job offer 6 months before graduation when many of her peers in the NUS Psychology programme had to wait 6 months to a year before getting a job. I cannot go into details but thanks to her people skills, The Daughter is doing very well at work. The Son received a prestigious offer of scholarship.
On hindsight, I look so very wise, but it really wasn't me.
2 comments:
Dr Pet, I just wanted to share that reading your blog posts always has an uplifting effect on me. This is especially when I feel so defeated as a parent, I read your posts and it is like a vitamin booster shot - I can do this too, despite my own limitations (impatience; short-tempered), I too can learn to focus on what is important and try my best to raise my children well! Thank you for continuing to share nuggets of your parenting wisdom!
Yes! We can all do this! God will make up what we lack.
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