End of Circuit Breaker

The world is going back to normal, but I am not happy. The circuit breaker was 2 months of calm and quiet. Trucks have begun to barrel down the main road, sending tremors to our house. Traffic jams have started again. Helicopters fly incessantly overhead, their constant droning drown out the birdsong we enjoyed for 2 months.

Throngs of people have begun to gather at the eateries at the mouth of our street. We decided this evening to have dinner at a kopi tiam within an industrial estate. Normally, it is not very crowded at 5pm. This evening, we saw crowds that were exceptional. We turned right around and went home.

At this point, I am far too chicken shit for Chong Pang Market. I wheedled The Husband to go in my place once a week, with a list of things to buy. The blessed man is happy to pamper me. I hide at home, in my quiet and calm bedroom, recoiling at all the neurotypical liveliness that has spread like an unquenchable prairie fire, out there.

I experienced 2 whole months of an autistic friendly world, one where noise is muted, smells are diluted and people communicate via text. Only now I realise the extent to which I feel uncomfortable in the world I grew up in.

I am loath to go back to normalcy.

I went to Chong Pang Market every day for a year or so, to train myself to tolerate things that cause me to shut down. After 2 months of Circuit Breaker, all that hard self-training has completely come undone. I think of Chong Pang Market with some degree of anxiety now. I am unwilling to go there. Why do I have to force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable anyway? In normal times, neurotypical people do not have to force themselves to do the things that I prefer to do: stay at home and only text people. I guess Covid19 let an entire world of neurotypical people have a taste of what an autistic person prefers. They did not like it. It stressed them.

I wish people understood that being stressed by a noisy, crowded and smelly environment is a daily reality for autistic folks for years and years, not just for 2 months of Circuit Breaker.

The Husband says that I will get used to it again. He says that I have to give myself time. He will patiently go to Chong Pang on my behalf for as long as I am not comfortable. Sometimes, it just feels like it is a hopeless endeavour, you know. I trained for so long and after a break of 2 months, I am right back where I started. I am nowhere near neurotypical. It simply cannot be done. It is an impossible task.

I will never develop the ease with which my favourite Chong Pang hawkers can...
- read and understand faces
- read and understand the unspoken
- ignore the smells and the noise to only focus on the meaningful smells and noise.

Perhaps, in a few months, I will feel brave enough to go out there again. Now, I just want to stay at home, or only venture out to uncrowded places. Chong Pang Market was bliss during the Circuit Breaker. I was able to make proper eye contact with my favourite hawkers. I was able to respond smoothly without feeling pulled by stimulus in every direction, and therefore ending up not responding at all. I did not experience any event where I could hear what people said to me, and be unable to respond. I did not feel anxious about not being able to look at everyone who was looking at me.

Right now, I do not feel brave enough to start training again.

Instead, I shall stay at home and wallow in self-pity.