A text blinked into my phone yesterday afternoon, from The Daughter. She is attending marriage preparation class at her church. They covered Proverbs 31's Noble Wife. The Daughter offered me high praise. She said that I ticked all the boxes of the proverbial Noble Wife.
The first time I encountered Proverbs 31 was in March of 2004. My family was riven with conflict. My MIL fought with my helper. The Daughter fought with The Son. The Son fought with his father. The Husband and I also fought with each other. In those days, I knew much less than I do, today. It did not occur to me that much of the conflict was due to my MIL's discreet machinations. She sowed discord and messed with the family dynamics to divide, so that she could rule.
Not knowing any of this, I was convinced that I was both a bad wife and a bad mother. I desperately needed help. A God-fearing colleague showed me Proverbs 31 on a day when I was especially distraught over a quarrel I had had with The Husband. When she showed me the chapter, it did not at all comfort me. Instead, it made me feel even more of a loser. It drove home the point that there can be no worse mother nor wife, than I.
In despair, I prayed. God answered. In a miracle no one expected, God uprooted my family and plonked us in the USA, right inside the Bible Belt. Removed from the machinations of my MIL, my little family grew emotionally strong. The children began to thrive. The Daughter went from scoring in the bottom 25% of her cohort (before USA) to top of her cohort (after USA). The Husband's career really took off.
Me, I was the yellow-faced woman stuck at home, reading and re-reading Proverbs 31 compulsively whilst crying over my lot in life. I went from being a hotshot management consultant who gave advice to CEOs, to the woman who put her hand (up to the elbow) into a toilet bowl to remove a wad of toilet paper that was stuck. I went from power suits to shorts and tees. Even worse, I wore the same t-shirt design every day. I went from perfumes to body odour.
As I read and re-read Proverbs 31, things began to change. God's hand moved powerfully. The Husband, The Daughter and The Son all became what they had hoped to become, and more. I envied The Husband. I envied The Daughter. I envied The Son as he grew up. They became everything they had hoped to become, and more.
I was still nothing.
I was the dirty mud and soil from which their roots drew nourishment. When people visit a garden, people praise the flowers, never the soil. No one ever looks admiringly upon the soil that feeds the flowers. I was still nothing, and they were everything they had hoped to be, and more.
So, when a Teochew muay hawker jokingly commented that since I didn't work, I didn't deserve to order a double-portion of braised pork, I was very hurt. When the hawkers at Chong Pang Market commented that I probably cannot cook, and don't work, I felt the need to prove that I am not useless.
Suddenly, on Sunday 15 August 2021, The Daughter offers me high praise.
You are all of them! On point!
Now, I realise that Proverbs 31 was not God telling me what a bad mother and wife I was. Proverbs 31 was God's promise to me, that if I allowed Him, and I trusted Him, and I obeyed Him, He would remake me into that woman. Looking back, I recognise that many breakthroughs into becoming a noble wife were serendipitous. God took my family to the USA where I had space away from my MIL to help my family heal. Despite my protests, God lead the way for the EQ Enrichment Centre that I currently run. God provided insights and wisdom into every single challenge that faced me as I evolved from 2004 till now.
Till now, I have no clue how I know some of what I know, about parenting.
My journey is not ended. Despite what The Daughter thinks, I know there is space to grow and the change must continue. However, I am encouraged. Instead of despair, I feel joy. There was a time when reading Proverbs 31 made me feel like a Bombay street beggar staring at a picture of Prince George (The Duke of Cambridge's young son).
Whilst I still think that the ideal is unattainable, I am contented to note that my life is already more joyful and more fulfilling even when I am only halfway there.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
He does not trust me to redeem vouchers. I always forget. I do try to make sure he lacks nothing, though.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
As long as he puts his dirty laundry into the laundry basket and pees straight, I don't hurt him.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
I knit with wool and silk. Does that count?
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
Aaaaah! The miracle of online grocery shopping.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
That would be insomnia.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
The EQ Centre was really God kicking me down a path He had decided I should go.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
Hmmm... vigorous? That does not sound like me.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
Yes yes... I do try to be "profitable", but I get very mad when the kids don't switch off the lights at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
Knitting needles... and knitting basket.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
Okay... this I do.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
Yes, we have clothes to wear, and enough laid by for lean times.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
I did embroider 2 quilt covers! Check!
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Not among elders of the land, but he is respected enough.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
Yes, yes... the EQ centre is my version of this.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Yes, yes... I do wear strength and dignity more easily now. And I do laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Oh dear... the recent stream of Chinese language invective I sprayed at MIL: not proud of that. Even though it was immensely enjoyable.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Yes, I do monitor the household and try to fill my time productively.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
This is true too. My children and husband do praise me.
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Wah... this one... a bit hard leh...
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
This one is true. Wrinkles, flab, fat...
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Maybe... one day...
