A Life In Reverse

The thought occurred to me that my life has been lived in reverse. My friends are now thinking of retiring or have already retired. If not for Covid19, quite a few would be travelling the world, posting pictures on Facebook of windswept hair and brilliant smiles from suntanned faces.

I mean, why not? They have had successful careers and deserve to enjoy the years left.

Whilst their careers are revving down, mine is revving up. I realised this when I had to decline 2 invitations to gatherings. There was a time when I could meet anyone for lunch any day of the week. They could not though, because they had meetings to attend and presentations to give. Now, they meet and I cannot.

I am where I want to be. I am doing what I want to do. I like the feeling of earning my own money. It is awful to have to depend on The Husband for money. I used to feel bad about buying clothes, jewellery, curtains. I was frugal to a fault. I made sure I checked with The Husband on every expense except for groceries. I have a lot of pride and did not like it when he questioned me on this or that expenditure.

Now, when I changed the curtains in our bedroom, and The Husband said that the old ones were still usable, I said. "I used my own money." When I decided to install a glass roof to protect my Mediterranean herbs from the rain, The Husband grumbled. I said, "I used my own money."

It was also hard to have to put up with a mother-in-law who assumed that since I only worked part-time and earned a small fraction of what The Husband earned, then my entire house, my bedroom, my children belonged to her (via her son). I owned nothing. To live like that, is to live without dignity. I was the equivalent of a bond maid: 奴婢. The Husband and she, owned me and mine. It gave her license to tell me how to wash my bathrooms, where to store my pineapple tarts. It gave her license to lend out my belongings without asking me, give away my garden produce without asking me.

Now that I make decent wages, I no longer have to live a life, without dignity... owned by others.