My Solution

I had a problem, which I described HERE, about my kids feeling so much the pressure to live up to their parents that they might:

- be too anxious to do their best

- make ungodly decisions in order to achieve life success

- be miserable.

I have figured out a solution which works. It does help (as a parent) to be skilful in the art and the science of motivating people. Teeheehee!

Behaviours That Lead To Success

Goal setting is a well-known motivation strategy. In a condition where tasks are simple and well-mastered (e.g., building a simple lego toy),  participants with a clear, specific and challenging goal will outperform the participants with a Do Your Best goal. This research finding by Locke and Latham is at the foundation of the well-known Goal Setting Theory. In today's world, every single company's KPI setting exercise sits squarely one the tenets of Goal Setting Theory, dating from the 1960s.

In the 1990s, Ruth Kanfer published a study that showed the limitations of Goal Setting Theory. She found that in work conditions where tasks were novel and complex, participants with clear, specific and challenging goals underperformed the participants with a Do Your Best goal (because of anxiety).

KPI setting sits on very outdated research.

It is understandable that in conditions where people are unfamiliar with their tasks and have to also meet a challenging goal, they would feel more stressed. Even though I did not explicitly set the goal for my children to surpass us, their parents, both my children feel they have to. I guess, a parent's unspoken expectations are more powerful than her spoken ones. 

Life with a capital L is neither simple, nor well-mastered. We are not in Locke & Latham's simple and well-mastered condition. We are in Ruth Kanfer's novel and complex condition. So, it is understandable that the clear, specific and challenging goal of doing better than their parents creates anxiety for my children.

Solution: Set a different type of goal.

As my children were growing up, I very rarely set them numerical goals in the form of grades or marks. Instead, I looked for behaviours that would lead to success. I set behavioural goals. Once you demonstrate the behaviours that lead to success, the academic grades will magically sort themselves out. If the grades don't magically sort themselves out, no one is disappointed. I did tell both of my children that I wanted perfect scores at IB and at A levels in Sec 1. However, what I held them to, and enforced from P1 to JC 2 were behavioural goals.

So, my solution to my problem HERE, is a variation of what I had been doing to motivate my children since young. I told my adult childrenthe following. As you step out into life, 

- do not target this promotion or that promotion (i.e., don't set goals)

- do not hanker after such a job title or such a salary (i.e., don't set goals)

- simply do your job well (behavioural goal)

- maintain a high savings rate (behavioural goal)

- master the art and science of investing (behavioural goal)

- invest your savings so that the money works for you (behavioural goal)

- focus on family (behavioural goal)

- focus on health (behavioural goal)

- never stop learning (behavioural goal)

You see, you cannot control whether people give you promotions or a high salary. A fair bit of luck (and being in the right place at the right time) makes promotions and high salaries happen. You CAN control how much you save. You CAN control how thoroughly you research a company/industry before you invest in it. You CAN control what you eat, how much you exercise, how much you sleep. You CAN choose to read a book, learn to knit, experiment with herbs, instead of watching Channel 8 TV. Focusing on these behavioural goals gives people a sense of control. This sense of control reduces anxiety.

If my children focus on and achieve the above behavioural goals, I am sure that they will do better than The Husband and me, 30 years from now. However, if they don't do better than The Husband and me, no one will be disappointed.

A Relief

When I told The Daughter the above, I could feel a palpable sense of relief from her.