A message blinked into my phone yesterday afternoon. My client had lost her husband to a freak accident. Her children (my students) are now without their father. The mother had reached out to me for parent coaching, to learn how to protect her children in the months ahead from the devastating effects of grief.
Grief counselling is not my area of expertise. It was important that the children get the best. In this regard, I am not the best. So, I sent out a plea for help to mothers in my network. They too felt keenly for the 2 children and activated their own networks for contacts. The plea for help came back to me via other routes, through other moms whom I had not asked.
Clearly, mothers were moved by the tragedy, and they all felt the need to do something to help: no matter how little.
In the past 8 years, my work revolved around Mothers. I coached Mothers. I taught children. My relationship with Fathers were limited to polite nods that turned into respectful nods as the months wore on. The occasional Father appeared as a total stranger ringing on my doorbell, saying, "Thank you, Dr. Pet. My wife is now a different person. My family life is warmer, happier, more loving." After that surprising revelation, I never see the man again.
This Papa was different. He came to the parent coaching session, and he impressed me. He was not well educated, but ran a thriving SME. His children were well provided for and he was his wife's pillar. He did not stinge on the costs of parent coaching. As I worked with his wife, his child developed into a strong school leader, and was even selected for Head Prefect. The parents explained that they hoped that this child would be the first to attend university, and they explained to me the difficulty of making that happen in a family where grandmothers, uncles and aunts were lackadaisical about doing well in school, and who thought it was ok to let children watch a whole afternoon of TV after school daily.
Academically, it was somewhat challenging. Even though the family was English speaking, the English they spoke was not of a high standard. The child made many Singlish mistakes because that was the environment he/she came from. However, the child had inherited the father's drive to achieve. The child was intelligent.
Soon, the tables were turned. Instead of the parents feeling grateful to have Dr. Pet's help, I began to consider it MY honour to be given the opportunity to serve such a family. It was a zero to hero story that gave me immense satisfaction.
I impressed this Papa when I told the family one day (to encourage them): 别人可以看衰你们. 你们自己不可以看衰自己.
This Papa impressed me one day with his moral rectitude. I explained that it was necessary to sometimes help the child skip HW, in order to manage the child's energy and stress levels. I urged the parents to ask the school for special dispensation saying that the school would consider since the child was a good student and an outstanding leader.
This Papa replied, "My child cannot do that. He/she is a school leader. Rules should not be broken for leaders. Rules apply to everyone."
His comment took my breath away. Many of my clients have no qualms going to school to demand special treatment in this and in that. They are so used to 5* hotel service. This Papa was concerned about equity and equality. No matter how I badgered him, he would not ask the school for special treatment. In his view, leaders deserve no respect if they behaved that way. He was adamant.
So, Dr. Pet, Mama and the child had to steer through choppy waters and take on more challenge than necessary. We did it willingly too because Papa was a man of principle. His determination to do the right thing gave us energy to do more and be better.
I generally think of my own husband as the best husband there is... but I must say that this man comes close, and I feel his loss very keenly.
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