Today, I stand alongside both of them with those earlier milestones passed. We look towards a future and an unknown. Suddenly, all those educational attainments mean little for in the bigger scope of things, neither the A levels nor the IB define a lifetime of happiness.
A spouse does.
Of late, there has been a strange trend of men winking at me, or even chatting me up. I no longer walk to and home from Chong Pang because on the way home, an Indian man likes to walk with me, chatting. A fruit seller tells me that I am as beautiful as his mangos. Out of nowhere, men wink at me when they catch my eye. There is one at Northpoint City. There are a few at Chong Pang market. There was even one 60-ish fella selling chives dumplings who, after complimenting me on how stunning my $5 t-shirt and $5 Ali Baba pants looked, asked me if I bought his dumplings every day because I wanted an excuse to see him. Hahahahaha! Oh good grief! No! Petunia ate from the same vegetarian stall at Koufu every day, 5 days a week. No, I was NOT in love with the lady there. I was amazed at how a completely innocent gesture fed his distasteful hopes.
What I found even more shocking was that this man's wife was standing right there next to him! I have not been able to tolerate coming within 3m of this unsavoury character, since then.
It got to a point where I asked my daughter, my son, his girlfriend and The Husband whether Mama Petunia looked slutty, or something. Apart from a certain sense of puzzlement, I feel a great deal of pity for these men's wives for having picked such unsavoury characters to spend their whole lives with. I pray that my children will choose wisely. The rest of this blogpost is useless unless they choose well their spouse.
Then, I looked at The Husband and began researching frantically on how to increase levels of certain hormones. The Husband has never been inappropriate in his behaviours. He works in a job where his every word and action is scrutinised. Nonetheless, after all that winking from men I barely know, I was not going to take any chances. When you possess a priceless Mona Lisa, you take steps to protect it. Nobody ever died from being kiasu.
It was thus that I came across Dr. Rene Hurlemann's research on oxytocin's effects on men. Men who received a dose of oxytocin via nasal spray were shown pictures of their beloved women partners AND pictures of equally attractive stranger women. In the men who were given oxytocin, the pleasure and desire regions of their brains lit up when they saw pictures of their beloved partners. These regions did not light up when they looked at pictures of stranger women.
Do note also that other evidence suggests that oxytocin accentuates what is already in a relationship. If your home life is fraught with harshness and negativity, exposure to oxytocin simply makes you LESS attractive to your spouse, thus encouraging his roving eyes. If your home life is pleasant and cosy, exposure to oxytocin makes you MORE attractive, thus encouraging monogamy.
How monogamy works is a biological mystery. Monogamy is costly for mammalian males. Only 3% of mammals are monogamous. This small proportion likely reflects the fact that from a simple biological perspective, it makes little sense for males who can produce far more offspring by mating with multiple females. The only evolutionary reason for males to stay monogamous is if doing so ensures the highest chance of survival of offspring. It makes no sense to have 50 offspring if none survive.
Hence, in cultural traditions where a man and a woman marry and form a nucleus for survival, monogamy makes sense. This is the one farmhouse one couple tradition that comes to us from Europe. In cultural traditions where men and women are segregated, each performing gender defined duties, males do not have to ensure the survival of offspring. The womenfolk band together to do so. This is the 3 wives 6 concubines tradition that comes to us from feudal China.
Thankfully, in Singapore, thanks to Mrs Lee Kuan Yew, we have a one man and one wife system that requires men to take part in ensuring children thrive and survive. This is in stark contrast to some African countries where only women are left to hold the babies. The men are out drinking.
So, what have I learnt about oxytocin-ing a spouse?
(1) Increase his levels of oxytocin.
(2) Oxytocin can be increased by requiring him to hold the baby. Research shows that men who take part in childcare have increased levels of oxytocin.
(3) Oxytocin can be increased by cuddling. This makes sense when we look at cultural traditions. The Chinese are not physically demonstrative. Family members rarely touch each other in traditional Chinese. French families cuddle a lot. The French have a monogamous tradition. The Chinese have a tradition of 3 wives and 6 concubines.
(4) If you are an unmarried woman, please stay away from men who enjoy going out with buddies to bond over drinks. It is better NOT to marry than to marry one of those.
Yes yes, readers will point out that the French are known for extra-marital affairs. However, that is still better than the Chinese tradition where the notion of infidelity does not even exist since the men have a right to 3 wives, 6 concubines and others. Besides, the whole point of writing about oxytocin is to protect against infidelity.
I tell you ah... this oxytocin business works like a charm man! At the start of this year, The Husband was adamant that I was not a very attractive woman. Indeed, he has been saying that I am not pretty for 30 years.
12 months on, he now says I am very attractive. All I did was cuddle him SO MUCH that his oxytocin levels went through the roof. I haven't changed anything else!
(5) If you are an unmarried man, do think twice about marrying a psychologist because she knows how to mess with your head enough that you'll find her attractive even though you know she is not. Hahahahahahaha!
Now, dear readers, go forth and cuddle each other!
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