I did tell him as nicely as I could. I am blessed that even though he felt a bit hurt, he bears me no ill will.
I felt that I had to do my part for all womanhood, you know. The culture of the market is emmm... quite patriarchal. The Husband usually lets me walk in front so that he has my back. As such, the hawkers see me first and call out, "妹妹." Then, they see the husband and address him as "老板."
I know. I know. When people call me "妹妹," it is a compliment on youthful looks, and also conveys a sense of paternal, maternal and fraternal affection. I am to be pampered, cherished and looked after. However, it is also true that "妹妹" are more pampered, than respected.
This is the culture of the Chong Pang market's social heart.
There is a steep sense of gender INequality that is alien to my own life experience. In my entire life, up until I started making friends at Chong Pang Market, not a single male of my acquaintance of any age has ever called me ""妹妹." I have also never addressed any male as "大哥" nor even "帅哥." The sugar cane auntie refers to the young man at the drinks stall as "帅哥." He is younger than she is. He is younger than I am. Why is he "帅哥" and I am "小妹?" I am probably 20 years older than he is. If The Husband is called "老板," why I am not called "老板娘?"
People who know me professionally might even say to the hawkers, "Huh? You all never die before ah? How can "小妹" even come out of your mouth when you are addressing Dr. Pet?" The problem really is that these hawkers make food that I like to eat. The power in the relationship lies in their skilful hands.
At first, I laughed it off and told myself that my own self-concept needs to be stronger than a mere name. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I am Dr. Pet and even if people call me "bitch", I am still Dr. Pet. However, after I read Melinda Gates' book, I decided that I should do my part to move gender equality forwards and not sit back, giggle happily and look on the brighter side of being called "小妹."
Some of the stories in Melinda Gates book are heart rending. Her research shows that there is not a single poor country where there is gender equality. Poverty and gender inequality seem to go together.
Gender Equality: Contraception
In countries where women are treated unequally to men, women have no access to contraception. Neither is marital rape illegal. Husbands have conjugal rights. Women cannot say, "No." Women who ask their husbands to wear condoms are beaten because in such countries, husbands have the right to beat wives.
As a result, women are unable to space out their children. They have the next child before their older one is old enough to be weaned off the breast. The women cannot work outside the home because they have 3 babies under the age of 5 to look after. The family stays poor since babies need money and mothers cannot make money. Poor families cannot afford an education for their children. In some cases, young men of 20 years old have never learnt to tell time. Elder sisters have to leave school at 10 yrs old. They grow up uneducated and perpetuate the cycle of poverty because they have no skills to earn a living.
The Gates Foundation realised that when they lifted women up towards gender equality with men, in sexual matters, they also disrupted the cycle of poverty and lifted the whole country's prosperity. This was an area of high leverage.
The Gates Foundation realised that when they lifted women up towards gender equality with men, in sexual matters, they also disrupted the cycle of poverty and lifted the whole country's prosperity. This was an area of high leverage.
Gender Equality: Education
In countries where women are treated unequally to men, women have less access to education. It is elder sisters who have to leave school to look after younger siblings. Women (even in USA and Singapore) shoulder the greater burden of unpaid labour at home. So, when push comes to shove, the boys stay in school and the girls stay home to do unpaid labour.
In such a society, women depend on men's good faith. Melinda Gates recounts the story of a woman with no education and no skills. Her husband had ditched her and her daughter. Her only recourse was sex work. This woman worked hard and send her daughter to a good school, determined that her child would never have to sell sex for money. However, one day, her daughter's classmates found out about her work as a prostitute and started a campaign of bullying. The lady came home after work one day to find her daughter hanging from a rope on the ceiling.
As a mother and a woman, I could not help crying when I got to that part in the book.
Gender Equality: Farming
When the Gates Foundation wished to improve agricultural practices in poor countries, they ran into difficulty because they did not at first realise that the women worked in the fields, not the men.
Husbands specified the contours of seed design. They wanted high yield and pest resistant. These were good traits. However, in one case, the seeds grew into plants that grew too low to the ground for easy harvest. The women had to bend. After 1 year, the women refused to use the same seeds. As a result, all the R&D that went into a seed designed to men's specifications which the women later rejected. It made sense to ask women what plant traits they wanted before even starting to design seeds. Yet, because of gender inequality, the scientists could not talk to women because women are not allowed out of the home.
Since women were unequal to men, they were not consulted on what type of seed to buy, nor were they allowed to attend farming courses, nor did their husbands give them time to tend their crops. Their husbands did not see the work these women had to do. Their husbands did know that they wanted their meals hot and the house clean, and assumed that doing these things required no time nor effort at all. So, if it was a tussle between the husband's needs/wants, the husband won and the crops in the field were neglected.
Unsurprisingly, agricutural yield was poor. The whole country stayed poor.
The Gates Foundation realised that when they lifted women up towards gender equality with men, they also lifted the whole economy and the whole country's prosperity. This was an area of high leverage.
Gender Equality in China vs Singapore
Of the male hawkers in Chong Pang, whom I really try very hard to respect and whose friendships I actively cultivate, it was the PRC immigrant who was the first to figure out that what makes me tick is "respect" and not "masculine patronage." I am not surprised because compared to modern China today, some sectors of Singapore lag behind in gender equality.
The Daughter's gymnastics coaches were a husband and wife pair who once competed on the PRC Olympics team and even trained later batches of PRC Olympics gymnasts. The wife never took her husband's name. PRC women have spunk and expect respect. They expect to be called "美女" instead of "小妹." In my informal ethnographic study of Chong Pang Market, I have come to understand that the ethos of Chong Pang Market is a very patriarchal one that holds echoes of the male-female relationships from Singapore's 3 wives and 6 concubines era (before the women's charter).
In such societies, a woman's worth is in her looks (necessarily so because women were without any other worth). This is alien to me. My looks have never been my source of pride. I don't even wear make-up and clothes are always chosen for comfort. I have had the same hairstyle for 30 years, which requires only 1 trip a year to the hairdresser (chiefly because I don't like people to touch my hair and so I stay away from the hairdresser's as much as I can). Indeed, I just visited a hairdresser for an $8 cut (because Chinese New Year prices have kicked in), and the man asked me, "You woke up today and have not brushed your hair ah?" I do often forget to brush my hair, sometimes for up to 5 days. It is long and hangs straight down. I did not think people even noticed that I have not brushed it.
Since the men in Chong Pang believe that a woman's worth is in her looks, I am guessing this is why the men at Chong Pang compliment me on my looks and try to flirt with me. I am guessing that they do that with all women whom they are friendly with. That is perhaps their way of building a relationship with me so that I will buy more of their food.
They don't have to do that, you know. I cannot stay away from their food anyway!
My Challenge
My challenge now is really to get them to treat me the way I want to be treated (and how they should treat all women), without seeming snooty nor arrogant, because you see... in their worldview, they have done nothing wrong. They are being kind by being patronising to their "妹妹".
I have decided to push back somewhat and gently stand up for all women in my own small way, without hurting the feelings of these men who know not what they do (Luke 23:34). Heeheehee! Hmmm... maybe it is time to sweetly and nicely mess with their heads.
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