Unconditional Love

This appeared in my Facebook feed today and for some reason, it made me cry. Not just tear a little. I blubbered and then had to blow my nose.

I think that deep inside each one of us, no matter how rich, powerful or successful, there exists a core of vulnerability. Inside, we all know that we are flawed. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to look perfect, look wealthy, look kind, look charitable, look strong. Deep inside, we are all the same. We see our own imperfections and we wonder that if others knew how ugly we look on the inside, whether they would love us or not.

There is a name for this type of love: unconditional love, and it is one of the world's greatest resources for fuelling the greatest achievements, the greatest effort, and the most impossible goals.

God's Love
When the going gets tough, God's love gets me going. We all know that God sees everything, and God knows everything. No one can hide anything from God. Yet, God loves me despite all the icky things I know go on inside my heart, sometimes. For someone who is autistic and have suffered social rejection time and again, this love is experienced as a privilege.

The Husband's Love
When I discovered I am autistic, I cried for 2 days. I know right! I am such an "humbao". I was even afraid to tell The Husband. When I finally did, he shrugged and said, "Nothing changes. You have always been you." That was all he said, simply and tersely.

I must confess that I haven't been an easy wife to live with. You know you aren't easy to live with when, in response to your decision to quit your job and stay at home, your husband says, "No, no, no. You must find something part-time to do. Else, I will come home to a caged tigress and I will get mauled to shreds."

It cannot have been easy to live through my meltdowns. For any family member who has experienced a full blown autistic meltdown, you know the violence of it. For others who have never experienced a full blown autistic meltdown, note that a normally soft spoken and gentle person can quite literally turn into a biting and clawing wild animal. Thankfully, I have learnt to run away from situations and people which might trigger me. I run early enough that my meltdowns are now truly few and far between.

Then too, The Husband cannot rely on me to be that consummate hostess that he sometimes needs to stand by his side. I am apt to NOT make eye contact when I should and to make eye contact when I should not. It is VERY hard to make friends when you cannot manage to make eye contact at the right time, you know. I am apt to say completely inappropriate things, or to be overly blunt, or to yawn at the wrong time, or laugh inappropriately. Of course, I have learnt from each painful experience, and I am much more socially competent now. Still, The Husband has paid the price in my social ineptitude. I can be a rather embarrassing wife.

Just last night, just as we were about to sleep, I murmured, "Don't you feel that you love me more BECAUSE I ________________ (this part is censored). The Husband's quick riposte was, "No! I love you DESPITE that you ________________ (this part is censored)."

We Love Milo
Milo is our dog. He was born crooked. He has lopsided ears, a crooked spine and even a crooked tail. He is short furred but he sheds like a pepper shaker. It is amazing how much fur this dog sheds. He barks inappropriately and loves to stick his nose up people's crotches. He chews up my figs, digs up my soil, and is apt to steal juicy cuts of tenderloin steak from off the countertop if we are not careful. In all, he is a most unsatisfactory dog. I often view videos of intelligent dogs who can fetch beer from the fridge or even walk to heel. My dog is not even smart enough to move his dog bed to where he wants to lie down. He has no idea how to walk to heel, and if possible, he won't even let people near our fridge.

We love him, our stupid, crooked dog.

The Way To Get Real Friends
Then, it occurred to me today that the truest way to get real friends is to NOT put one's best foot forwards. There are people who avoid me when they know that I am autistic. I suppose they cannot deal with it. Others would not bother with me knowing that I lived in a Marsiling HDB flat. The best way to find REAL friends is to tell them that you're a piece of shit. If they stick around, then they’re worth your time.

If not, move on and do not look back.