My heart is full of poison.
Back when I did not know I was autistic, I believed it to be my fault every time someone was nasty to me. It was this trait of mine that lead to my perseverance in the face of my MIL's abusive treatment. No matter what I did, it was never enough for her. I believed it to be my fault and I felt guilty. So, I tried harder.
In all those years, all I felt was guilt. Not vengeful.
I have made personal progress. Today, I am able to see that some people are nasty to me because they simply are. It was nothing that I did or did not do. I no longer feel guilty. Instead, I feel a whole new emotion that I struggle to control: vengefulness.
I have been badly treated for 30 years. The person who inflicted pain on me deserves to feel at least half the pain that I was made to suffer.
In a recent altercation, I put my newfound linguistic ability in Chinese to good use. Out of my mouth flowed an eloquent stream of Chinese. None of the words were flattering.
吃人不吐骨头
使用卑鄙的手段
装可怜
耍阴招
卑鄙
下流
没有素质的人
说谎不眨眼
假心假谊
笑里藏刀
4 comments:
Reading your blog makes me feel like reviving mine. Hmmm its good to write to process whats going on inside us. Thanks dear.
假心假谊-->假心假意 usually is 假仁假义
笑李长刀 -->笑里藏刀
Oh... thank you Eugene Koh, for your corrections. I have updated the blogpost and also learnt something new.
Rolz: thanks for dropping by.
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