A Heart Full of Poison

My heart is full of poison.

Back when I did not know I was autistic, I believed it to be my fault every time someone was nasty to me. It was this trait of mine that lead to my perseverance in the face of my MIL's abusive treatment. No matter what I did, it was never enough for her. I believed it to be my fault and I felt guilty. So, I tried harder.

In all those years, all I felt was guilt. Not vengeful.

I have made personal progress. Today, I am able to see that some people are nasty to me because they simply are. It was nothing that I did or did not do. I no longer feel guilty. Instead, I feel a whole new emotion that I struggle to control: vengefulness.

I have been badly treated for 30 years. The person who inflicted pain on me deserves to feel at least half the pain that I was made to suffer.

In a recent altercation, I put my newfound linguistic ability in Chinese to good use. Out of my mouth flowed an eloquent stream of Chinese. None of the words were flattering.

吃人不吐骨头

使用卑鄙的手段

装可怜

耍阴招

卑鄙

下流

没有素质的人

说谎不眨眼

假心假谊

笑里藏刀

It felt good to spew this stream of words. It felt good to watch her slink away. The poison in my heart flowed out. Then, my heart filled with poison again. I wanted badly to re-inflict pain. It is now that I most need God's grace. I need God to cleanse my heart. I need to hang on to God's word, telling me that vengeance is not mine to exact. I don't like this poison in my heart. If I allow it to stay, it will poison everything: my relationship with The Husband, my soul, my relationship with my children-in-law... and goodness knows what else. 

 I need to let it go. 

 It is hard.