以柔克刚

 The EQ classes attract many "difficult" children. Many of these children come into class with hardened wills, ready to do battle with any adult in authority over them. These are children with a lot of potential. They resist authority because they are fed up with how authority is always forcing them to conform to one model of what is a good and obedient child:

- do all your HW

- show respect to adults no matter what

- focus entirely no matter how boring the lesson is

These children step into class ready to be criticised, scolded and disciplined. Their teachers have scolded and complained to parents. Their parents have scolded and counselled and punished, in order to get the child to fit the mould of a good student. The first 3 to 4 lessons is about trust building. The children learn to trust that I will respond to their needs, instead of demand from them behaviours they are as yet unable to control.

To teach them EQ, I need to soften their will before I can mould them. So today, I was thrilled to come across the phrase 以柔克刚. Children are like clay, you know. When parents breathe the fire of anger and frustration onto them, it is as good as putting clay in a kiln. What happens to clay in a kiln? It gets hard and brittle. Do this to your children (in cooperation with the school) and your child will harden into brittleness by adolescence. When that happens, you can do nothing to influence the shape of your child.

Sometimes, the fire that hardens clay comes from family dynamics passed down through 2 generations. If the family dynamics are not rearranged by the time the siblings enter their teens, these dynamics will define interactions for adult siblings through the rest of their lives.

Parents tend to send me their P6 children because it is in P6 when the children begin to harden to such an extent that parents find it really hard to influence their child. When I first meet the child, I need to 以柔克刚 before I can even begin to mould them. I wish parents would send me their children earlier. Then, I can teach the parents how to mould their children before problems develop. Done this way, we also maximise the chances of bringing the children to full potential.

Why wait for problems to get out of hand?

Oh well... the reality is that many parents do.