What am I Feeling?

The week before last, I woke up every morning in a state of negatively valenced high arousal. This is the research term for unpleasant high energy emotions. These emotions cover the gamut from:

- anger

- frustration

- anxiety

- fear

What exactly was I feeling? I think that for many autistic people, NOT knowing what the self is feeling, gets in the way of self soothing. I could not even name my feelings. How to console myself? After a few days of this, I had to sit down and think. Only then did I realise that I was feeling "fear".

That alone made me feel better.

Yet, I was still fearful. Thoughts of being incompetent, insufficient and incapable flooded my mind. I told myself that I was...

- arrogant

- lacking in empathy

- unkind to my clients

- do not deserve my clients

... and that The Collaboration Corner would fail miserably, and I deserved to have it fail.

These thoughts churned in my head. I walked everywhere in a daze, not seeing people, not looking at people, not noticing much. It did help to tell The Husband my fears, but not entirely. The Husband did my P&L analysis for me and assured me that everything was fine. He told me that I had nothing to fear because I was competent and parents needed me.

It did not quite help.

Then, yesterday, a parent told me that she was anxious about her child going into secondary school. The child did not seem "done." The mother was afraid of letting go. I know the child and I was sure that if the Mama could let go, the child would fall a few times and then take off. However, if the mother persisted in nagging and pushing, the child would push back and lose motivation.

So I said, "Fear, is not of God."

Then, I said, "You have become controlling again and are pushing her boundaries. You are pushy. She is pushing back at you. Stop pushing..."

When I re-read those words, it seemed that God meant them also for me. I had begun to take control over The Collaboration Corner, instead of yielding to Him. I had begun to worry and stress, when all I need to do is stand back and let Him work through me.

I was an instrument that was taking charge, when I should simply let the Maker take charge.