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Thursday, May 21, 2015

From One Woman to Another

The Daughter grew up with a Mom obsessed with and proud of being good. Sure! I understand that I am not all good, and I know that in many ways I fall/fell short. Nonetheless, it did not stop me from trying very hard to be good... and for feeling too much pride when I was good. At the same time, there was always that self-recrimination of knowing that I just ain't ever good enough.

So when I fell ill, my sense of self-worth also disintegrated into dust because I went from feeling that I ain't ever good enough, to feeling completely worthless. In almost every way, I was only 1/10 what I used to be. I could only work 1/10 as hard, and 1/10 as fast. Entire days slipped by whilst I languished in bed, incapacitated and incapable. It felt also as if my brain worked at 1/10 its previous capacity. The Daughter saw my sense of self-worth collapse and my entire world turn dark. Despite all the light and love that surrounded me, my world was like night and all seemed evil to me.

The Daughter saw me through all that.

As Mother's Day followed Mother's Day, her gifts to me have always been from CHILD to MOTHER. This year, 2015, is the first time she has given me a gift from one WOMAN to another. My gift this year was a gentle message in the form of a book containing the Gospel of Grace, not the Gospel of Goodness.

I received a book that reminded me that even at my peak, I was never GOOD ENOUGH for God, and that God wants me to enjoy his GRACE more than my own GOODNESS. It is infinitely less tiring to live by the gospel of GRACE. Just sit back like Mary and enjoy the Lord.

And emmmmm... let poor Martha do all the work... Heh! Heh! Heh!

And God's grace will take care of all the rest.

Amazingly, despite the 1/10 capacity I am at... despite the determination to keep my work to a manageable minimum... despite not working as HARD as I was capable of in the past... God's grace has really come through during 2015 SA1 because the children's results are very good indeed.

It really is much easier to rely on Him, than on me!!

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