- train The Son for the interviews
- draft the Personal Statements
- oversee and strategise the university application process.
It would cost all of $6000. If a family is willing to pay the fees to Oxbridge and the Ivies, it is unlikely to bat an eyelid at $6000 to get the child in.
I thought about it. I was sorely tempted. I decided not to. My rationale was as follows.
If The Son got into Cambridge without my help, he would know that he did it all on his own. In terms of attitude, The Son can have reason to believe that without his parents at his back, he could still make things happen. This sort of attitude guarantees that The Son would have rock solid confidence in himself to not just survive but to thrive.
The story goes that one day In 1939, George Bernard Dantzig, a PhD student at the University of California, Berkeley, was late for a graduate-level statistics class. On arrival, he saw two problems written on the board. He did not know that they were examples of “as yet unsolved” statistics problems. Dantzig thought them part of a homework assignment. He noted them down, Then, he solved them. Had Dantzig arrived early for class, he would have learnt that these problems were beyond his ability to solve. Since he arrived late, his attitude was not burdened by such thoughts. Unburdened by such negative thoughts, he promptly went ahead and solved statistics problems that generations of university professors before him, had failed to solve.
A child become man (or woman) who wins a whole string of accolades with parental help does not learn to trust himself. I did not want, for my children, only the outward trappings of success (top university, top school, awards, wins etc...) Invariably, such children grow into adulthood never fulfilling the promise of their youth.
You see, they do not get a chance to develop that internal fibre to support achievement in adulthood. So, at every point when my peers and I were comparing sons, I chose to hunker down and accept possible ignominy, just to give my children the chance to really overcome an obstacle on their own.
Sony Toy Competition
It did not matter to me if he won or lost. So, I did not help. So, he lost. There, he learnt that failing at something did not kill him. He also learnt that he enjoyed the process so much that he did not kind failing.
Primary School Studies
As The Son grew up, people inevitably would compare children. Especially at Chinese New Year or X'mas parties. Don't underestimate the pressure I was under. I am Dr. Pet after all. BOTH The Husband and I were academically excellent in our time. People expected so much of our children and if theirs did better than mine did, they were justifiably proud. One friend, whose son was 1 year older than mine, called me when her son received his PSLE results.
She said, forgetting that her son was a year older, "My son scored 267 for PSLE! What did yours get?"
I thank God that my son is a year younger because if I had had to reply her very rude point blank question, the year after, I think I would have cried tears of shame and frustration because The Son scored far far below 267. That day, I was sorely tempted to swear to myself, "I am going to make very sure that my son's PSLE score next year is higher than yours!"
I did not.
Instead, I hunkered down and told myself...
- must have time to play
- must enjoy learning
- must largely be his own effort
- RE: PSLE score, ENOUGH to get into a reasonably good school
What I did do, was to procure very high quality study materials for my son to study. The schools were not teaching what they were testing and I could not expect The Son to learn from thin air. I scoured internationally for resources for The Son to self-study. His Chinese materials came from Beijing. His English materials came from Australia, UK and USA. His Science materials came from my university's e-library. His Math materials were sourced locally because our local Math pedagogy is seriously good.
The Son had the best learning materials. I owed him that much. However, he still had to study them, on his own because there was no tutor available to explain anything. Instead, he only had a Stupid Mother HE had to teach.
So, when The Son got into ACS(I) Express, he really did it on his own. My roles were motivation and procurement of study resources.
ACS(I) IB
Any boy who gets into ACS(I) Express holds the hope of transiting into the IB programme in Yr 3. The Son was determined to make that switch. He had not made the ACS(I) IB cut off by 1 point. To hop over to IB in Yr 3 was a lot more difficult. ACS(I) looked for evidence of...
- leadership
- integrity
- drive to learn
- academic excellence
- sports
I saw in The Son's eyes a steely determination. So, I left it to him. I did nothing to help. He was the one who collared the seniors and got them to share their experiences of making it into IB from Express. He was the one who strategised and hustled for opportunities to get leadership, integrity, drive to learn and sports into his portfolio. At that time, he was only 13 years old. He still had his baby fat. Yet, he was strategising like 诸葛亮.
At that moment, seeing how The Son was moving decisively to get what he wanted without my help, I thanked God for having given me both the wisdom and the emotional strength to have had the courage from P4 to P6, to be true to the following...
- must have time to play
- must enjoy learning
- must largely be his own effort
- RE: PSLE score, ENOUGH to get into a reasonably good school
To get into IB from Express, he scoured Singapore for competitions of all sorts to pad up his portfolio. He took part in science research competitions, plane construction competitions, hackathons. business competitions, rifle and pistol competitions, drone flying competitions. The momentum that he gained from trying to make it into IB, snowballed into bigger and more prestigious competitions in Yr 3 and Yr 4. His peers noticed him and offered him opportunities on their teams because they knew he could contribute. By Yr 4, he was competing internationally.
I did not help in ANYTHING at all.
Cambridge University
So, when it came time to apply to universities, I mentioned to him that the services of a consultant could be had. By that time, The Son was already used to the idea that whatever he wanted to achieve, he would do it on his own, even if it meant losing out.
He pooh poohed the idea of me paying someone to help him get into Cambridge. On my end, friends kept asking me, "Where is your son going to university?"
My response was always, "He already has an offer from NUS Engineering. I am already happy with that."
Character Forming
Succeeding on one's own pours steel into a person's character. The Son did succeed to get into Cambridge. Going forwards, he knows that without his parents' strength, he has it in him to achieve his own goals.
Failing, whilst knowing that one is still loved, also pours steel into a person's character. The Daughter failed to get into Cambridge despite 8 A level distinctions. When she graduated from NUS, she had honed the steel it takes to succeed in a highly competitive work environment. Her competition at work hail from Cornell and Stanford, amongst others. They are men too! Yet, The Daughter became the first woman to join an all male ASEAN team.
The only thing though, I had to be prepared to accept that neither of my children would get into Oxbridge nor the Ivies.
The Long Game
I know that hindsight is 20/20. I am not sure what gave me the resilience to live down shame at every turn, at every Chinese New Year and at every Xmas because I tell you, my children embarrassed me all the time, and people expected so much of them just because I am Dr. Pet.
Maybe being autistic helps. I am relatively less sensitive to peer pressure. So, when I had to choose between bragging rights and ...
- must have time to play
- must enjoy learning
- must largely be his own effort
- RE: PSLE score, ENOUGH to get into a reasonably good school
... it was easier to choose the last 4 over bragging rights.
Don't mistake me. I like my bragging rights. It is just that when it came to choose on a daily basis, I invariably made the choice to prioritise the last 4. Perhaps, being autistic isn't so bad after all. I am relatively immune to peer pressure. Most people don't like me anyway so it is no point trying to impress them and make my kids unhappy.
This post continues HERE.
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