The Cockroach-in-Law Chronicles Episode 4: Poison

This post follows from HERE.

The nature of a cockroach is to be non-confrontational. In front of me, the Cockroach-in-Law was conciliatory and pleasantly smiling.  It is also in a cockroach's nature to spread taint and toxin under the cover of darkness and stealth. Behind my back, however, the Cockroach-in-Law put real effort into poisoning my relationship with my husband and my son. 

The Husband

Early on in my marriage, she advised The Husband: 她是有钱人家的女儿，我们养不起. As a result, The Husband and I fought often about my spending. It did not matter that 

- I shopped for clothes at the wet market, 

- that I owned no branded items, 

- that I renovated 2000 sq ft of jumbo flat in under $5000, 

- that I renovated a 2000 sq ft penthouse duplex in under $15,000, 

- that I save us money on medical care (using herbs), 

- that I save us money on children's tuition (teaching the children myself), 

- that I save us money on aircondition servicing (having figured out how to do it with a steam cleaner), 

- that in the days before AirBnB, I was already stretching my dollar by renting self-catering cottages where I could save us money by cooking all 3 meals for the whole family. It meant cooking, cleaning and doing laundry all through our holidays to Europe

- that I made investing part of our lives

- that I also worked to earn money, and really did not need her to 养我.

Her words had influence. The Husband held that bias in his head. It was an unforgivable sin to have grown up as 有钱人家的女儿. There was no way to prove that I was frugal. I suppose that the only way to convince her that I was careful with money would have been to live ostensibly like a cockroach too. I could not bring myself to do that.

I grew up in a clean, neat and aesthetically pleasing home. I could not bring myself to compromise these standards of cleanliness and aesthetics.  So, I used my creativity and intelligence to reach the same standards without having to spend too much. However, the clean, neat and aesthetically pleasing home that I created for us, screamed luxury to the Cockroach-in-Law , and she never stopped telling people how much of a spendthrift I was.

It would not have mattered to me if those words remained words. However, her poisonous words translated into bad and frequent scoldings from The Husband. One day, I stood at the staircase near the HDB provision shop and wept because I could not find broken rice, and I felt that it would be spending too much to buy full grain jasmine rice.

Behind my back, she would examine my laundry hanging out. She fingered my clothes bought cheaply online from Shein, and then commented that these clothes were proof of my spendthrift nature. Words have power. Her words tainted The Husband's view of me for decades. They formed the basis of endless conflict.

One day, I realised that her standards of frugality extended to stealing what was not hers, and living in squalor. My current batch of black tees cost $3.50 a piece. She would not allow my t-shirts to be sunned (in order that they would last 40 years of wear). Apparently, sunshine destroys clothes fibres, and then it would be spendthrift to have to buy new t-shirts. Whilst I do embrace frugal ways, I draw the line at wearing mouldy $3.50 t-shirts for 40 years.

This is only one example of the way she poisoned my relationship with The Husband.

The Son

Behind my back, and whenever there was "evidence", the Cockroach-in-Law brainwashed The Son into believing that I was a bad-tempered, unkind shrew who was nasty to her. It did not matter that:

- I designed a house with 1000 sq ft of apartment for her.

- I drove her to her medical appointments.

- I responded promptly to her requests for ovens, vacuum cleaners, iPads etc...

- I made both milk kefir and water kefir for her daily.

- I made bread and shared all sorts of other foods.

- I shopped for her a piece a of real jewellery once a year, if not twice.

- I endured her constant undercover badmouthing without complaint to The Son. I recognised that The Son was Grandma's preferred grandchild and I held back from damaging their relationship, even as she persisted in assassinating my character to my son, at every opportunity.

One day, my 18 year old son scolded me for my nastiness. My heart broke. On that day, I realised that there was no way I could ever make the Cockroach-in-Law well-disposed towards me. To defend my own honour and my own track record, I asked 2 questions:

(1) Throughout your childhood, have I ever said a bad word to you about your Grandma?

(2) Throughout your childhood, has your Grandma ever badmouthed me to you?

Since The Son knew the answers to both questions, I left him to decide who the nasty one was. Meanwhile, the pain in my heart was excruciating.

The pain in my heart was such that I am only able to blog about these events today, 4 years later.

Breaking Through to Joy

Still, there are ways to counter infection, toxin and taint. With real cockroaches, I don't leave food out for them to use to spread disease. With a Cockroach-in-Law, I simply give her no information at all about what I do, what I buy, what I say. In addition, I don't interact with her. This way, there is no fodder for her to turn into "evidence" of the woman I am not. With this, I have been able to limit the extent to which she spreads disease in my relationships with The Husband and The Son.

Now, relationships with The Husband and The Son are joyful and rewarding.