Serious Intentions

When The Daughter first started dating The Boyfriend, I had a talk with him about his intentions. I explained that my daughter was not the sort who dated for fun. Before him, she did not date for 6 years. I stressed that the dating game should be accompanied with Serious Intentions to marry. Else, don't waste our family's time. Don't waste my daughter's time.

Thankfully, The Daughter is no fool. She picked a good man: responsible, serious, kind, caring and intelligent with honourable and responsible intentions towards her. It is a load off my mind, indeed. The Son gave me a lot of anxiety in primary school. One wondered whether he was stupid, and whether he would grow up into a sort of silly, flirtatious and irresponsible wastrel. The Daughter gave me much anxiety in secondary school and through to JC.

Through secondary school, I fetched her everywhere. No matter how late she ended, I would drive out to escort her home. We moved out of our HDB flat into a condo with security guards when she was 14. The biggest reason was her safety. At our HDB flat, twice, the same man waited for me in the lift lobby, to get into the lift with me. The first time, I decided to wait for my friends. The second time, I recognised the man. The Son was heavy in my arms but I chose to wait for The Husband to come. 

Another time, I met a man on the ground floor, who looked at me funny. I quickly took the lift upstairs, ran to my flat, got in and locked the iron gate. At the moment I locked the gate, the man appeared in front of my gate. He had raced up the stairs just outside my gate to intercept me. I dread what would have happened if the gate were as yet unlocked when he reached.

At 14 years, The Daughter was taking public transport in the day. I made sure I fetched her home from anywhere she was, after dark. I once got upset at a male teacher who insisted that she stay out at school up to 11.30 pm. I was waiting in the carpark and the nearer it got to midnight, the more sleepy (and angry) I became. I was furious. Did the teacher seriously expect my 15 year old to go home after midnight all by herself?

Even during the day, I insisted that she was not allowed to take the lift up to our HDB flat by herself. Eventually, it was simply too stressful for me to worry about her safety. So, we gave up the 2000 sq ft HDB flat that I loved, and moved into a smaller penthouse duplex with security guards.

Through those years, I coached The Daughter on how to keep herself safe. Stay away from pubs and nightclubs. Text me the number of any taxi she may be taking. Reach home before 11 pm at night. Do not take lifts with strangers. I made her take the stairs of HDB flats if she had no escort. The stairs were open and the opposite block could see everything on the stairs. Thus, it was safer than the lift. I read with her newspaper reports of girls who suffered rape and molestation, and talked her through each one, like a case study. I talked her through the dangers of uploading her photos onto Facebook. She was close enough to me to talk to me about the boys she knew.

Once, when I arrived to drop her at a friend's house for a project meeting, I discovered that the friend's father was alone in the house. I refused to drop my daughter. When she started work, I coached her on how to discourage sexual harassment. Now, she is a fully grown woman, with her wits about her and a relationship with a good man. Nothing untoward has happened to her. I have protected my daughter and kept her safe. She has not had to endure any trauma.

It has been a long journey. Girls are vulnerable to sexual exploitation and attack. It only needs to happen once to create trauma to last a lifetime. The teens are clueless about what is happening when it is happening. That is why mothers of teen girls need to work overtime. Once the girls reach their 20s, they develop more alertness and street smartness.

From the age of 9 years old, I talked to her about what made a good husband. I pointed to men I had no respect for, and told her why they deserved no respect. I pointed to men I respected and also told her why they deserved respect. That foundation has helped her pick a good partner who values, cherishes and respects her.

It is now her turn to give ME an earful when I venture out to Chong Pang Market. It is a sleazy place with uncouth men, she says. It is now her turn to choose a property to buy that will be safe for any daughter she might give birth to. And thus, there will be 2 dragon ladies watching over any young girl born into our family.