In the circles I grew up in, if you did not make into university, the world would come to an end. At the very worst, all my cousins my age graduated from polytechnic. With The Son and The Daughter, our expectations were much higher than scraping through to university. I aimed The Daughter at 8 A level distinctions. I aimed The Son at the perfect IB score of 45. The Daughter did get 8 A level distinctions. The Son scored 44.
I expected The Daughter to apply to the Ivies and to Oxbridge. She refused to. We all know that children always fall short of parent expectations. I was angry and disappointed when she decided to accept a place in NUS. I expected The Son to try for the Ivies and Oxbridge too. This child is happy to do so. Secretly though, after The Daughter's experience in NUS, I am hoping he will go to NUS too.
What I am trying to say is that in my worldview, it is unthinkable that my children and my friends' children NOT go to university at all. My clients and my friends all think like me.
Now though, I have hawker friends, and they think very differently, indeed. I very much enjoy chatting with my hawker friends because their mindset and worldviews are so different from mine that I almost feel like I am travelling to a different country, getting to know a different culture. When you're more than half a century old (as I am) there is little that fascinates you, unlike a child of 2, who finds even an ant trail full of novelty and charm.
Talking to my hawker friends, I recapture the feeling of being fascinated by something complex and new. Sometimes, I wonder if the social divide is less of an SES thing than it is a cultural thing. Clearly, a large difference exists between how my hawker friends think and how I have been brought up to think... and how I brought my children up to think.
If I had less respect for my hawker friends, I think I would dismiss their worldviews as not worth my time. However, I have grown to respect them too much now. I prefer to think there is no right or wrong, better or worse. It is a different cultural mindset, is all.
Education
For one thing, their view of an education is unlike mine. The 58 yr old man with an 11 yr old son tells me that it is not necessary to be very educated. He does not have the same expectations of his son as I have of mine. This 58 yr old man tells me that plenty of graduates cannot find jobs even though they have studied for so many years. This is true. He further states that in life, education is less important than a pair of hands that can make money. This is also true.
Then, it struck me. Isn't this what Ong Ye Kung has been saying? It is not education. It is skills, attitude and passion. A degree is only a piece of paper. It means nothing if you don't possess a pair of hands which can make money.
When I talk to my hawker friends, I notice that they have pride. They hold their heads high and think well of themselves. They do not see themselves as inferior nor less intelligent than anyone. They tell me that they are not stupid, but they just did not like studying. The lady who makes my teh si kosong can make a drink so fast that it blurs my eyes. On second, I am waving at her. The next second, my drink is handed to me. She yells at the newbie for being less than focused, "You must focus! We cannot keep people waiting!" Oh dear... I imagine that if I were hired to make my own teh si kosong, I would probably get yelled at too. I don't even make my own tea at home!
At first, I listened and noted what my hawker friends said. Later, I thought on their words. Their words make sense.
What is there not good about their lives?
(1) Popular stalls make a good living.
(2) They are proud fathers and husbands, able to provide for their families.
(3) They are beholden to no one.
(4) It is money made honestly through skilled work.
(5) There is pride to be had from high quality craftsmanship.
They are not highly educated but life is still good. Some find in themselves the generosity to give generously back to society. The Boss of my favourite stall refuses to raise prices because doing so may affect the poor elderly folks who patronise his stall. Twice a year, he treats his workers to an overseas company trip, happy to forego earnings from stall closure, and happy to pay for his employees' holiday. Within his circle of influence, he is such a blessing to others.
Best of all, his circle of influence is wide because his food blesses so many people. This, I tell you, is a life of contribution Dr. Pet would be proud to lead. Unfortunately, I am such a bad cook!
Sex
Another difference is in their attitude towards sexual issues. My eyes opened wide when the aunties nonchalantly mentioned that some customers had to marry at 18 because they had gotten pregnant. They used the word "caught it", like it was a contagious something that you can catch from ignorance. Hence, the persons involved weren't quite at fault.
They communicated no judgment of the unwed mother. When they looked at me, and said that I looked rather young to have my children in their 20s, I panicked inside wondering whether any of them thought that I once had been an unwed teenage mother!
Perhaps, I should not have worried? They may not think badly of me even if I were really an unwed teenage mother. In fact, I do remember that when I visited the GP to get a pregnancy test, the receptionist took one look at my baby face, and looked for my card in the Children's Records. Then, she also mentioned some counselling service. It took a while for her to understand that I was already in my mid-20s, and married.
When The Daughter was growing up, I watched her like a hawk. I vetted all the young men in her circle. I made her do Powerpoint presentations about sexually transmitted diseases, telling her that a young man who LOOKS clean, may not be clean. I drove her home from every late night. I did not allow sleepovers at all.
I even had a talk with The Daughter's boyfriend telling him that The Daughter does not give her heart easily and if he was not serious about her, he should stop right there. The Son was basically given a talk about respecting other people's daughters in the way he would like his own sister to be respected.
Once, I was out at a late night movie date with The Husband. We passed by a group of youths when I saw 2 young girls who looked about 14 yrs old. I was aghast. What a gross dereliction of duty on the part of their Moms!? Why were the teen girls allowed outside so late into the night? I spluttered all the way into the theatre when The Husband told me off and said, "Stop complaining or you will spoil our date."
With my fingers crossed, I am thankful that there has yet been no unplanned pregnancy in my immediate family. Then again, talking to the hawkers also got me thinking. I would like grandchildren and The Daughter is LATE in giving me one. Perhaps, an unplanned pregnancy is not quite as bad as no pregnancy at all? Unfortunately, I think I did such a thorough job of my children's sex education that I don't think The Daughter nor The Son will ignorantly "catch" something.
In a separate conversation with the hawkers, we spoke about dialects. One hawker commented that his mother tongue, Teochew, was quite crude because the phrase for asking someone to come and eat could be translated as asking someone to come make love. I stared at him with my eyes large, unable to decide if he was being rude to me or not. I decided to overlook the comment because I really was not sure if he was just being normally nonchalant about such things, or if he really meant to be rude. These hawkers have been so kind to me that I cannot think that they would be deliberately rude to me.
Post script:
After some thought, as a mother of a daughter (and a woman myself), I do think that all this sex business disadvantages the female. I don't buy into this nonchalant attitude to sex. For sons and men, the impact may be not as great. For daughters and women, a teenage pregnancy means being unable to rise into independent wealth. Men have strength and stamina. Women need an education because we do not have brawn. I do not have a pair of hands that make money. I have a brain that makes money.
Else, women would be forever dependent on men and subject to men.
I don't like that.
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