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Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Vulnerable Narcissists

In the course of my work, I come across the occasional parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Thankfully, there are not many. So far, I have encountered 3. Each time, I discharged myself. Of all the personality disorders, sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists are the MOST resistant to change. This is because the people who suffer are not themselves. Those who suffer are their family members and their children. The NPD himself or herself has no motivation to change.

People like that feed on others' emotional energy. Their appetite for attention, admiration and love is insatiable. Instead of resourcing their children and spouses, they suck up emotional energy from their children and spouses. Emotional energy is the raw material people need to achieve in life. If you go to work and come back depleted because you had a bad day at work, you need someone at home to envelope you in a bubble of cosiness and warmth. That way, you go back to work the next day, ready to cope with a new day.

The Husband of an NPD wife goes home tired after work. His wife notes that he is devoid of emotional energy. She NEEDS to feed on his emotional energy. Since he is running on empty, she gets angry. She NEEDS to feed on his attention, admiration and love. A normal marriage is a 2 way street but if you are married to an NPD, you will end up going down their way, giving them attention, admiration and love, even if you are running on empty.

It is like being married to an emotional vampire.

The NPD's self-centredness is so extreme that she can ONLY see her own needs. She is completely blind to her husband's need for emotional resources. She is completely unable to resource her children emotionally too. This emotional vampire also feeds off her children's emotional energy.

At her core, the NPD mother and wife has very low self esteem. This explains why she needs a constant supply of admiration, love and attention from others. At her core, her self esteem is so low that she needs constant affirmation.

Of all the NPD subtypes, the scariest type is the Vulnerable Narcissist. The VN often looks gentle, timid and non-threatening. If you are not her husband or her child, you will not know that this person can fly into uncontrollable narcissistic rages (when she is denied her supply of attention, admiration and love). Normal folks feel hangry when they are hungry for food. The NPD feels rage when they are starving for attention, admiration and love. The VN's favourite strategy is to play the victim. Yet, she is a victim that inflicts immense emotional pain on other family members, all whilst accusing them of hurting her.

I know that I have used She to depict the VN. However, not all VNs are female. There are male VNs too. Simply, my clients are mostly female. Hence, all those I have encountered are female.

The moment I observe family dynamics that form a pattern held in place by a VN mama, the case is hopeless. I have to discharge myself because the VN is not interested in changing. You might as well ask a tiger to stop feeding on meat. The VN needs to feed off the emotional resources from those around her. By definition, a mother and a wife plays the role of resourcing children and husband.

It pains me each time to discharge myself because I know how much the other family members will suffer. Do you suppose medical doctors feel the same way when they are unable to save a life?

To some extent, I comfort myself with the thought that God uses pain and suffering to mould his instruments. After all, I used to be made to eat vomit and often had blood dripping down my legs from being caned. Though I often asked God, "Why me? Can it not be me?" I now understand that if I had not suffered, I would not be the Dr. Pet of today. I might be less effective, less able to carry out the tasks God assigned to me. So, I have come to an acceptance of my own past sufferings. In fact, I am grateful for every ounce of pain my life.

I did not die. I got stronger.

It is hard to be grateful when I see a VN mom inflict pain on her family. God's ways are not mine, however. I, too, failed to understand His purpose for my own pain. When I see it happen to other children, my every instinct is to go in and protect the little ones. I have never forgotten how it feels to be a child trapped in an abusive situation.

Yet, I know it is not my role. God has a plan. I can only trust.

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