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Thursday, October 10, 2019

Honoured

Warning: This is going to be a soppy, sappy post. If you don't want to join me in my emo-emo session, then you should stop reading now.

Bible Study
In bible study this week, we read Acts 5. In this chapter of the bible, Peter and the other Apostles performed miracle healings and cast out demons. My bible study worksheet asked the question, "What were the various responses by the people?"

The bible says that people reacted as follows: 
- 13 No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. 
- 15 ... people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter’s shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by.

"Wow!" I thought to myself. That is more than respect, that is awe. If the Apostles were on a quest to gain maximum social status (which they weren't), then they had succeeded beyond their wildest dreams! These days, fans spy on, mob and video their favourite idols with impunity. In contrast, the people then were so respectful of the Apostles that they only dared to disturb Peter's shadow for their purposes.

With some imagination, and some knowledge of the historical context, we know that many of the apostles did not start out in Hebrew society as high status individuals. At least 4 of them were fishermen (that is like roadsweeper or hawker assistant in our modern context). Yet, they were so respected. They went from nothing to something.

The next question in my worksheet asked, "What has been your response as you see God at work?" The immediate thought that came to my mind was, "Oh man! I wanna be Peter. I wanna be God's instrument. I wanna be used by God." 

The next thought then was, "Oops! Peter might have died by crucifixion. Gulp!"


2 Mothers
Just before my bible study discussion, I received a text from a Mother I am coaching. It mentioned, "U are seriously godsent to many many parents." See picture above. I glossed over that message because I was rushing to finish my bible study HW.

I spent this morning in a flurry of activity. I organised lunch and dinner prep, and baked a cake before 8am. Then, I spent 3 hrs coaching a parent. I grabbed lunch and fell asleep. Coaching is mentally very taxing for me. I awoke bleary eyed to another message from another Mother I am coaching. It read, "I am so grateful for God's Grace in leading me to you." See picture below.


From Nothing
Blog readers know that I am autistic. My childhood was traumatic because my parents did not understand the condition. They used very very harsh punitive measures on me. I do not wish my childhood on even my worst enemy. One of the worst punishments I endured was to be made to eat vomit. Embarking on life as a young adult, I had to learn social skills. 

Again and again, I asked God, "Why did you make me so high IQ? Could you not have made me averagely intelligent but given me also an average measure of social skills? I don't want to be different. I don't want to be weird."

"God... if it is ok... I REALLY don't want to be me."

At times, I did not ask God. I bargained with him and entreated him, "God, can I give up some of my smarts in return for the ability to make people like me? God, please... just make me a little bit less weird and a little bit more normal."

In my own little head, I have always felt like a failure. My life is cursed to supporting roles. My husband achieves. My children achieve. My role is to help them achieve. No doubt, I am good at helping people achieve. Nonetheless, I don't have the starring role. I am the "kalefe".

Even hawkers looked down on me. See HERE

To Something
Then now, in the autumn of my life, God revealed to me a purpose. In the light of this purpose, all my childhood pain made sense. In the light of this purpose, all my suffering made sense. In the light of this purpose, my flaws (autism) became immense strengths.

I have a niche, a place, a role in this world that frankly inspires awe in myself, not because I am anything great but because I have no bloody idea, how I could have ended up here, if not for Him. You see, I was nothing to me. He made me into something worthy and precious to Him.

On top of that, I think I whined and complained about not wanting to be me, every step of the way.





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