Autistic Masking

Whether they like it or not... whether they have had early intervention or not... autistic people need to function in a world where most other people are neurotypical. Some autistics are fortunate enough to receive early intervention, which teaches them early to bridge the gap and connect with neurotypicals. By the time they get to adulthood, these lucky ones achieve enough competence in connecting with neurotypicals to blend in.

Other autistics, like me, never had the benefit of early intervention. I had to figure everything out through the long and painful process of social rejection after social rejection.

We do not grow out of our autism, just like I will never grow out of being Chinese. I am of Chinese ethnicity. I have simply learnt to speak English so that I can communicate with people from the United Kingdom and the USA. Similarly, I am autistic and I have simply learnt to bridge the gap to connect with neurotypicals... or to cope in a neurotypical world.

We call this process of connecting with neurotypicals "masking."

What is Masking?

I cannot just march up to every stranger and tell him/her that I am autistic. So, I have to pretend to BE like them, or else they will find my interaction with them very awkward. I know that I need to make eye contact. I consciously control my eyes and make eye contact. I know I should ignore smells. I know that I must not stim, so I control myself and refrain from playing with my hair. I know I must look at their faces and interpret things written on faces, that people do not say. So, I also make an effort to look at their faces to decipher what is not said.

All this...

- refraining from stimming

- controlling my frustration when I smell weird things

- forcing myself to make eye contact

- deciphering faces in real time

... is mentally VERY tiring. This is masking.

What is the Price of NOT Masking?

The price of NOT masking, is social rejection. 

Many years ago, I could spend all day with neurotypicals without getting mentally tired. I did not know how to mask and so I did not expend mental energy. However, I offended and annoyed neurotypicals. They thought me proud, snobbish, insensitive, unkind and weird.

What is the Price of Masking?

 Now that I know how to mask, I do get mentally VERY tired from the exertion. Hence, 

(1) I must limit the time in each day/week when I am in the company of neurotypicals.

(2) I must plan recovery time.

For example, HERE, the videoshoot was limited to half a day. In that half a day, I was sociable, bright, responsive to others' faces and tones of voice. Then, after lunch, I had to draw the curtains and lie down in a dark bedroom, in complete silence. I needed to recover from the mental exertions of spending the morning masking in front of neurotypicals.

Degree of Mental Exertion

If you had to sit down to solve 27 problem sums in one morning, you would be mentally tired too. My mental exhaustion is 3 times that when I mask for 3 hours. This is because I cannot intuitively understand faces, tones or hints. I need to solve every change in facial expression the way you would solve a math problem.

Speed comes with practice. Heuristics come with practice. It is still tiring, nonetheless.

The Morning Me VS The Late Afternoon/Evening Me

I appear MORE autistic later in the day, than earlier in the day. This is because I am mentally tired. If I have been marking work, making notes, thinking through different clients' family dynamics, I also use mental energy. Later in the day, I might avoid eye contact entirely, whilst in the mornings I might make more of an effort to look people in the eye. Later in the day, I might become more brusque with strangers and acquaintances. If I need to put up with people's body odour in the evenings, I am more likely to get angry. Like at Capella Hotel HERE, when I had to put up with a server's body odour. It made me so angry that The Husband asked why I was reacting so disproportionately.

Mild Autism is NOT Mild

There is no such thing as mild autism. You are either autistic or you are not. Similarly, you cannot be mildly pregnant. You are either pregnant or you are not. What YOU think is a mildly autistic person, is simply a person with higher competence at and who puts in greater effort into masking. It is very hard work.