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Monday, October 23, 2017

The Farting Drunk

When most children reach Primary 4, they develop some sense of decorum. Not this one. He farted loudly in class one day, which melted all the other children into giggles. Apparently, he enjoyed being able to make his friends laugh so the week after, he farted and farted and farted in class.

Loudly farting with great aplomb is such a socially unacceptable behaviour that the other children laughed embarrassedly, and my facilitator was at a loss how to address the issue with the child. After all, some people are naturally gassy and they cannot help it. Besides, everyone farts right? How do you scold a child who has bad digestion? He cannot help it, can he?

It got to a point where the child was doing it on purpose. He enjoyed being the centre of attention. He was starting to irritate his friends with his loud anal explosions. It took some firm counselling to put it across to the child that Dr. Pet's classes are not communal toilets à la ancient romans. The old convivial practice where upstanding Roman Senators would adjourn to the communal toilet, seat themselves nicely and discuss important political decisions to the accompaniment of loud bodily exertions from the other end died with the ancient Romans. Thankfully so. Else, I imagine that I might be conducting class with students on potties in order to socialise them into the practice of making important decisions whilst shitting together.

Lesson learnt. Problem solved. The child in question learnt that loud melodious farting worthy of the best operatic traditions was to be done in private and preferably in the toilet, or somewhere outside where there are strong monsoon winds.

I sighed with pride. I had taught a little boy good manners. From fart-itesse to politesse, as it were. I sighed too soon.

I arrived in class to the sight of the child's beatific smile. He looked very happy. He swayed from side to side. Then, he pointed an unsteady finger at me and grinned joyfully, saying, "Dr. Pet, you are like gollum today." I wasn't quite sure how to respond and what was wrong with this child. I looked at him and then left the room.

As class progressed, his exuberance irritated his classmates. He kept telling one that she was wrong. When the facilitator confirmed the answers, he pointed a finger at her and said, "I told you so!" When he got a difficult question right, he punched the air with a loud "Yes!" This prompted another very irritated child to say, "Ok! Now you can apply for a President's Scholarship."

I was mystified by what I saw on the CCTV. He looked drunk and immensely jolly.

It turned out that he was, in fact, drunk. He had taken dragonfruit enzyme just before class and gotten a nice shot of alcohol into his system, which relaxed all his inhibitions. As such, he went from politesse to simple pest.

Moral of the story: Do not feed your children alcohol before class.

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