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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All the Way My Saviour Leads Me

After 40 years of wandering in the desert, God did not allow Moses to enter the Promised Land. It was not in God's plan. To me, it seemed like a cruel thing for God to do to Moses. Why did not Moses rebel?

I have been a Christian all these years and I never understood the extent of God's love for me until now. Of course I knew God loved me. As a Christian we all know that God sent his only beloved son to die on the cross for us. Christians pray to God, our Heavenly Father and Christians know therefore that God love us as a parent. Even then... there is knowing and knowing.

But now, I know.

This week I offered to The Daughter a plan for her good. I proposed a project that would bless her and keep her safe whilst she is away at university... far from my mother's arms that have protected her jealously all these years. I proposed to buy her a house near her university to stay in. Without hearing me out, she rolled her eyes as if to say "I can take care of myself". After hearing me out, she proposed to pay me rent for my trouble.

A jumble of thoughts crowded into my head. None of them good. Waves of emotion crashed upon my heart. None of them pleasant. It was a combination of her dismissive attitude and the cavalier assumption that she will pay me back. For a moment I was speechless. I, the wordsmith of the family... the winner of every argument... was at a loss for words.

And when I found my tongue, I said "I only want what is best for you. I have devised a plan that will benefit you and make life good for you. But in your arrogance and your pride, you see the worst in what I intend." How does one describe the mix of emotions compressed in a raging ball inside my small little ribcage? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And I will tell you that I felt scorned. There was hurt too... like someone took a paper cutter and scored a deep gash into my soul.

But I did not write this to speak badly of The Daughter, for as daughters go I am first to admit that I have a wonderful one. She is as loving as they come. She is responsible and wise beyond her years. And she is beautiful... oval face, soft brown hair, jet black sparkling eyes and porcelain skin. But she is a teenager in the same way as I am human. And we are both rebellious. She and I are not horrible people. But we are both rebellious.

I know now how God feels every time I assert my human will against His divine will. He only has plans to prosper me but I in my limited wisdom scorn Him and I, in my arrogance, think I can pay him back for His grace. The truth is, there is no way to pay it back to God and I only know this deeply and with conviction because it was at the tip of my tongue to hiss poisonously at The Daughter ,"You can never pay me back the full measure of what I have given you out of love. Never! The debt cannot be repaid!" And in this poignant moment of my own pain I have come closer to my God because I now know what it means when people say that God wants what is best for me, and that I must accept His plan for me as His gift of love to me.

And I only understand Him now because I am a mother who wants to sing to her daughter the following song adapted from the hymn "All the way my Savior Leads Me".

All the way your mother leads you
What have you to ask beside?
Can you doubt her tender mercy,
Who through life has been your guide
Homely peace, the softest comfort
Here in love, you came to dwell
Don't you know whate'er befall you
I will try to make all well?
Don't you know whate'er befall you
I will try to make all well?

So... I guess Moses did not rebel because unlike me, he knew that God's timing and methods do not have to conform to our expectations. This is something I am only just learning.


Open Kitchen Concept said...

I... am very touched by your post.. so much so I don't really know what to say. Thanks for sharing.

Petunia Lee said...

Are you a Christian?

Open Kitchen Concept said...

Yes.. :)

I was just sharing recently that I need to spend more time with God..

Barefoot said...

What a wonderful and soulful piece to remind us of the sufficiency of God's grace when our human plans come to nought.

Blur Ting said...

Oh, it's so difficult sometimes, to be a mother. We only want the best for the kids, and nothing else. But being teenagers, they don't see it that way.

When that happens to me, I always think back of those growing up days when I rebelled against my parents and thought of ill thoughts. But when I've matured and come to my senses, I treasure them with all my heart. Your daughter will go through somewhat similar phases too.

Petunia Lee said...

Ting - Yeah... I guess you are right. She needs to go through this or she will never grow into a competent adult with good judgment. But... but... but... it is painful for me. Wail!

Blur Ting said...

Oh, hugs! Sometimes I get into fights with YK too and yah, it's horrid! But once your daughter goes away, she'll miss you terribly I am very sure!! They always do.

Petunia Lee said...

Ting - Huh! Boys too! Oh no! I have Little Boy to go! I was hoping that he would have it out with his Dad and leave ME in peace.

Petunia Lee said...

Leah - It's so nice to have like-minded people to commune with in cyberspace!!

Barefoot said...

You are so gracious, Petunia!

Petunia Lee said...

Leah - Thank you!! Considering how clumsy and insensitive I can be...